All Day

I feel like shit, I’ve had maybe two hours sleep and I’m laying on my couch. I’ve just looked at my phone and it's half ten in the evening. Bollocks! I’ve been drinking all day and I’ve fucking fallen asleep again. Wanker! Where the fuck is everyone? I think I was out with quite a few people. Fuck! Maybe I should give them a call and see if they’re down the boozer. Shit! I don’t have any fucking credit but I swear I put a tenner on it earlier today. Who the fuck have I been ringing? Cunt! I’ve only called Joanna again, what the fuck did I say to her this time. I hope I wasn’t being a fucking arsehole. Man! I’m too old for this shit. Why do I do this every weekend? I’m going back out on the piss.

Seven foot four

“Why don’t you fuck off and pick on someone your own size”
What was he going to do? Dave was ‘seven foot four’. The tallest man in the city; he’d never had a fight and was screaming with anger.
He lived with a dog and a cat and they were fighting all the time. Fights broke out all over the town everyday. Mothers beating their kids; husbands slapping their wives; drunks fighting publicans; teachers pummelling parents. You name it. It was a marvellous place. The blood flew, the teeth shattered and the jaws broke, like an orchestra of boxing insanity.
Dave, however, couldn’t get a fight for love nor money. Oh he tried; the good lord knows how he tried. He begged. He tried to pay. He even got married and bore three strapping young boys to pick his chin in a scrap or two. But poor old Dave was too tall and no one would fight him.

Rodgers really late

When Rodgers feet fell off he knew he was in trouble
He had to be at work in an hour and if he didn’t resolve his problem he was going to be late
When he tried to stand he would fall over
He crawled to the telephone and tried to dial the number of his wife Daisy
As he pressed the buttons his fingers fell off one by one
“Shit now I’m fucked, I’m going to be really late for work”
Rodger screamed for help.
The third time he yelled his head fell off.
He never went to work again.

Ants

I am sitting here in my pants
I am not very fond of ants
If they crawl up my leg
Go up to my head
When I go to bed
I’ll make sure I give them some bread
Bread is my favourite food
I hope you enjoy it too
When I go to the loo
I never can pooh
And that often does make me mad!

Run

Today I am going to run for five hours
Then stop for three
Then carry on for a further five
Then go to the pub
Pub
Pub
Pub

Girl in a town

She always said she was going to be the most successful girl in the whole town.
She loved to read and loved to ride her bike.
She rode through town stopping to folks she knew.
“I’m going to be the most successful girl in the whole town.”
An outsider stopped the girl on her travels and asked the young lady a question she had never been asked before.
“What is your favoured mixer, coke or lemonade?" To no reply
“What is your favoured mixer, coke or lemonade?" Again no reply
“What is your favoured mixer, coke or lemonade?”
The girl was confused; she did not understand what the outsider was saying.
“I don’t understand what your saying”
“I’ll take you to a place, where you will understand”
There was only one bar in town; it didn’t open till the morning.
They waited.
And waited.
Then waited.
The outsider asked for two whiskey and cokes.
The barman was out of coke and served them lemonade.

Sally shoes

when sally went to work on monday mornings
she always found it hard to leave her street
when she got to the end of the road
her toes would grow so large that they would break her shoes