Screenplay

Int: Cafe Two men stand looking up at a board with a menu on


Phil
What did you end up doing last night?

Tom
I just had a few beers after work, I wasn't up for a big one. I've got to much shit to do today

Phil
Oh yeah like what?

Tom
Well... I've got to get my mum a birthday present... It was her birthday yesterday and I've not picked her up anything yet... It's my nephews Christening on Sunday so I've got to pick something up for him... it's my turn to do the sweep stake at work so I need to go to the bookies after this... Our computers run out of paper so I need to buy some A4...I've got to pick my suit up from the cleaners... I need a new pair of shoes... We haven't really got any food in the house so I could do with going to the market... Frank asked me if I could drop round the Cd's I burnt for him the other day...Claire wants me to drop her round her sisters this afternoon...

Phil
What do you want to eat?

Tom
Number 3 tea and toast

Phil
Two Number 3's tea and toast please Sue

Sue
No Problem love I'll bring them over

They walk to a table and sit down
Tom
How about you?

Phil
I probably just go over the road after this and have a pint, I ain't got no plans

Tom
I might join you for one but I can't have anymore I've got to drive...What did you do last night?

Phil
Just got fucked after work we went to this pub and boy there was some pussy in their man

Tom
Really what pub

Phil
I can't remember but it was just round the corner from the White Horse

Tom
Yeah... Did you have any joy?

Phil
Na did I bollocks I was way to smashed

Tom
Is that Carl outside

Phil
Yeah what's he doing here?

Tom
I don't know...Carl over here mate

Carl
Thank fuck I've found you guys. I've been looking everywhere...

Phil
Whats up mate, you don't look too good

Tom
Have you been on it all night son you look fucked

Carl
Well I haven't slept

Phil
Whats going on man... you alright?

Carl
I would have called but I lost my phone

Tom
What did you do leave it in a bar or something

Carl
No...Right now... don't laugh or anything this is serious... I'm really fucking scared man

Phil
Look just calm down...Did some cunt nick your phone

Sue
Two Number Three's

Tom
Yeah here and over there...Carl do you want some food...you should eat something mate

Carl
Na...Na...I'll have a coffee please love

Phil
So start from the top slowly and tell us what happened

Carl
I was abducted by aliens

Phil
Oh fuck off you soppy bastard...

Tom
Your such a cunt Carl...I don't why we bother son...

Carl
I knew you wouldn't believe me... fuck this... if your not gonna help me I'll have to find someone else...

Tom
Carl... Shut the fuck up...Sit down stop being a fucking twat...Now sit down...SIT DOWN

Phil
Carl mate... Come on son stop fucking about

Carl
I'm not fucking about I'm serious and if you two cunts don't believe than I'll go find someone who does..Look I need a drink

Tom
There's a coffee coming

Carl
I mean a proper drink... I don't feel comfortable in here can we go?

Tom
Look... Lets us eat a little something first

Carl
Fuck this...I'm going over the road

Phil
Carl...For fuck sake... Hang on... Come on Tom

Tom
Fuck that I'm Finishing my food I'll see you over there...And I'm going after one I've got far to much shit to do today mate... the best for him is a good night sleep...In a fucking loony bin

Phil
Leave it out... He's obviously taken something... anyway I'm gonna go over...See ya Sue cheers

Sue
Bye love

Int Pub

Carl
I got you a pint Phil

Phil
Cheers mate..

Carl
Where's Tom...

Phil
He's just finishing his food, he'll be over in a minute


Carl
Look mate, I've known you for a long time and you know as well as I do that we've done our fair share of drugs but mate... this was different... this was real

Phil
O.k. Start from the beginning... where was you and what happened

Carl
Aright...

Tom
Sorry lads did you get me a pint... fuck me that breakfast was good...Sorry what were we talking about

Phil
Carl was going to explain what happened last night

Tom
Oh yeah the abduction....Yeah go ahead Carl...

Carl
Right so I was having a few beers

Tom
Oh by the way Roy's gonna meet us in a bit

Phil
Nice... Go on Carl...



Cut



Int House


Dave
Sally... Mum wants to know if you want some breakfast...Sally its getting close to one are you alright mate...

Sally
Yeah tell her I'm not hungry...I'll be down later alright

Dave
O.k.

Mum
Is she alright up there

Dave
Yeah I think so...What time did she get in last night


Mum
How do I know... I was in bed by Eleven

Dave
Good point... well she wasn't here when I got in... I hope she didn't see that prick Sam last night... the sooner she gets him out of her head the better

Mum
She's a big girl she can take care of herself


Dave
Yeah well...If she sees him again and he's fucking said something..


Mum
David... Shut the fuck up...Its none of your business you have to let her get on


Cut to Bedsit

Knocking

Scot
FUCK OFF

Ben
Come and answer the door you lazy slag

Scott
FUCK OFF

Ben
Come on mate... Well look if your not getting up then could you at least give me that money you owe me...I ain't even got enough for a pint

Scott
FUCK OFF

Ben
WANKER!

Scott
what time is it... fucking hell... shit... that was one fucked up night...BEN...BEN...SORRY MATE COME UP

Scott potters around the bedsit scratching his balls

Knocking

Scott
Hello mate you O.K

Ben
Yeah not bad didn't do much last night I ain't got any money

Scott
I'll give you that score I owe you today

Ben
Safe...what you doing today... do you want to come to mine and play on the wii...mate the Godfather game is the fucking best man...

Scott
Do you want a coffee?

Ben
You got anything soft

Scott
I've got a beer

Ben
Yeah that'll do...You know in the film where Al Pacino's Character...

Scott
Micheal

Ben
Yeah Micheal...well you know when he shoots the copper and the other guy in the restaurant..

Scott
Yeah

Ben
Well your the fucker who has to put the gun in the toilet

Scott
No Fucking way..thats sounds wicked

Ben
It is the best...so what did you do last night?

Scott
I can't remember

Ben
Was it that bad...

Scott
Ben mate I really can't remember...I think I'm gonna be sick...

Scott is violently sick in the sink

Ben
Fucking hell mate you need to slow down a bit fella...

Scott
Oh god I don't feel to good man...

Scott sits down on the floor

Ben
Scott what the fuck is that thing on your leg

Scott
I don't know man... shit I don't feel to good mate

Ben
Scott mate you should really get that looked at man... thats not right mate...what the fuck did you do last night

Scott
I CAN'T FUCKING REMEMBER... AAARRRRRHH

Scott screams while on the floor and hold his head

Ben
Scott mate what the fucks going on

Scott
CALL THE FUCKING AMBULANCE...AAARRRHH

Ben
Please stop screaming I don't like it...what's going on...I knew I should of stayed at home

Scott
Ben call me an ambulance..Please Ben...I think I'm dying...

Scott has stopped screaming and is more calm. Ben begins to Scream and cry

Ben
I don't like this anymore... I just want to go home

Scott
Please Ben you need to call me an ambulance

Ben
I HAVE'NT GOT ANY CREDIT!

Scott
ITS FUCKING FREE

Ben
O.K O.K O.K O.K JUST GIVE A SECOND

Scott
I HAVE'NT GOT A FUCKING SECOND

Ben
SORRY ..ITS JUST I'M DOING IT I'M DOING IT I'M DOING IT

Scott began to scream again and hold his head

Ben
Hello...yeah I need an ambulance... flat 4 Essex Road Islington... it's my mate hes got this thing on his leg and he's been sick and he's screaming... I think he's gonna die...well thats what he said anyway...Ok hang on I'll ask him...Scott did you eat anything funny last night?

Scott
I CAN'T FUCKING REMEMBER... AAARRRHHH

Ben
Yeah... he can't remember... I think it would be best if you came down and took a look at him yourself he's not really making any sense to me


Scott
TELL THEM TO HURRY... PLEASE

Ben
Look could you get here as soon as possible


Cut