Fartman Chapter One

If Simon ever stopped farting it would be a miracle. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like he’s farted his whole life. No way. The problem started just after his eighth birthday. His mother and father worked for a cable-cooking channel. They thought it would be a good idea to give their only child some time on the show. Simon was so excited, he always dreamed of being on the T.V. He would watch his mother and father all the time. He was so amazed that they were television stars. He couldn’t watch anything else. This became a problem. The cooking show made him very hungry. Simon would sit on his fat arse, watching his parents, eating all the time. Boy… was he fat; huge in fact, like a balloon waiting to pop. Now his folks would have got him on the show before. But they thought he might eat all the food. So they waited until they were cooking food Simon didn’t like. Unfortunately, Simon ate everything and when I say everything I mean everything. Once he was caught eating the bogies under the carpet that he’d put there the day before. It was hard to find a day to get him on the show. However, there was one food the little bloater didn’t like: Parsnips.

He hated parsnips; they made him sick to his stomach. You see, one Sunday his mother and father cooked a roast dinner. It was divine the best roast he’d ever tasted
He was tucking in and just about to try another one of these heavenly roast potatoes. When he picked it up with his fork and positioned it in his massive gob. He bit down and straight away he knew something was wrong. “Aaahhh this isn’t a POTATO”
“What’s the matter my little pudding”
“Aaahh this isn’t a POTATO”
“I know my little lamb chop, it’s a parsnip,” his mother informed him
“ITS DISCUSTING WHY DID YOU MAKE A PARSNIP LOOK LIKE A POTATO!!!”
“Because, my little basket of fresh baked bread, parsnips are beautiful when they’re roasted” his father proclaimed. Simon wobbled up the stairs and was violently sick all over the house.

This show was dedicated to every possible way to cook a parsnip. You name it they had it; Parsnip soup, pasta, risotto, fried parsnip, boiled… I think you get the point and I’m running out of ideas. This episode fell just after his eighth birthday and this was his main present. (Apart from an ‘all you can eat buffet’ at ‘Pizza Hut.’)
The night before Simon couldn’t sleep, it was like a second Christmas for him. This was bigger than Christmas. In the morning when they got up for breakfast, Tubbs ate a lot; he knew he wouldn’t eat when they got there because it was parsnip day and he hated parsnips. So, he filled his belly until there was barely room to breath. When they arrived at studio he met all of his parents work colleagues. They were all very fond of Porky and he was enjoying all the attention. Now… the girl looking after Large Pants was a lovely little thing. She was showing him round offering him drinks and just generally being a sweet heart to the Fat little bollocks. This girl made a critical error. She gave Simon the drink makes all people gassy. Fizzy Pop Panda Cola. Simon drank six can of Cola, ate as much as he could and was now more nervous than a first time disabled parachute jumper. He was about to go on a live Television with his mother and father. This balloon was ready to explode!