www.sillybirdsbitching.blobspot.com

So right, the other day. I think…yeah it was yesterday. That cunt Les came up to the flat for a cup of tea. He said he had a few bits and bobs I might be interested in. So before he came in I told him. “Les you can have a cup of tea. I'll have a look at what you got then your gonna have too fuck off because if my husband comes back and your here he'll cut your balls off and turn me in to a sand coon”
So he's come up and I asked him how many sugar he has in his tea. I offer him a custard cream and asked him to show me the goods.
Well the cunt didn't even have a bag. So I thought here we go the dirty bastards gonna get his cock out or some thing. Well he pulls out this box from hes pocket and then the stupid fucker gets on one knee and proposes to me, well I was liked “Les you stupid fucker I'm already married and you know my husband, what on earth are you doing do, have you gone mad”
So he tells me he loves me and all that stuff. I mean I don't even know him very well, but it was a nice ring so I says to him. “I tell you what if I give you a blow job can I keep the ring”
He told that the ring was his grandmothers and he felt that it would have been disrespectful to give me the ring from sexual pleasures. Instead he offered me fifty quid to suck him off. I told him to do one and kicked him out of my flat. Cheeky bastard

Posted by Dee Dee Dirtbox

She's got Wheels Chapter Two

Me and Tony got up and went down stairs to see to our sisters request. “Its not even half six Sue, I don't even know if the pool will be open”
“Shut the fuck up you little prick and get me in that car, Tony get the keys, your driving”
“There's no way I'm driving Sue, I've not long gone to bed and that would make me well over the limit and I'm sure you wouldn't be keen getting in a car with a drunk again, would you sis?”
She was pissed and to be far so was my brother but in a different way.
“Right then there's no other choice, Peter your driving”
“But I ain't got a licence Sue! I can't drive... I've never had a lessons”
“You could always drive Sue”
“Don't you take the piss Tony cause I'll fucking...”
Sue started to sob slowly, she opened the door and wheeled herself to the car. Me and Tony looked at each other. “What did you say that for?”
“I was only joking... Fuck it! There shouldn't be anyone on the road... I'll drive slowly come on lets go”
We got Sue in the car... Nothing was said... If the police pulled us up with Tony still pissed from the night before and a raspberry in the back with her swimming costume on at half six in morning I'm sure they wouldn't be to impressed. The car started... Shit... lets go for a swim.

Hair

“We've all heard the stories but none of us thought that it would be one of us to go.
It didn't sink in that we could all be plucked out
No one is special
We are all the same
It does not mater if your longer
It does not mater if your are curlier
If your stronger
If your cleaner
If your older, younger or finner, stable bodied and fitter then the rest
You could still go the same way”

Hey June, you alright love
Yeah not bad darling
Is your husband still around
No he was pulled out a long time ago
Really... Blown or brushed?
Brushed... We knew it was coming... I mean he'd had his share of ups and downs
Yeah at least he had a bit of volume not like some of these youngsters
Don't... Last week there was a huge blow and no one was safe... It was crazy we were hanging on by the skin
My longest almost went... If it wasn't for her father telling me how to hold on... She would have been plucked for good
Oh don't... it's so sad when they go at such a long age
Yeah
Yeah
What do think will happen today
Maybe the soft treatment, we haven't had it for a few days
Yeah, that would be nice
How long ago were the big floods?
I don't know two years
What if that happens again?
Don't talk about that so loud. That was a one off. It can't happen again. It would wipe us all out.
Yeah, but what if happened again?
June... Stop it your scare the children
Sorry... I didn't think anyone could hear us
You don't know who's listening.

Screenplay

Int: Cafe Two men stand looking up at a board with a menu on


Phil
What did you end up doing last night?

Tom
I just had a few beers after work, I wasn't up for a big one. I've got to much shit to do today

Phil
Oh yeah like what?

Tom
Well... I've got to get my mum a birthday present... It was her birthday yesterday and I've not picked her up anything yet... It's my nephews Christening on Sunday so I've got to pick something up for him... it's my turn to do the sweep stake at work so I need to go to the bookies after this... Our computers run out of paper so I need to buy some A4...I've got to pick my suit up from the cleaners... I need a new pair of shoes... We haven't really got any food in the house so I could do with going to the market... Frank asked me if I could drop round the Cd's I burnt for him the other day...Claire wants me to drop her round her sisters this afternoon...

Phil
What do you want to eat?

Tom
Number 3 tea and toast

Phil
Two Number 3's tea and toast please Sue

Sue
No Problem love I'll bring them over

They walk to a table and sit down
Tom
How about you?

Phil
I probably just go over the road after this and have a pint, I ain't got no plans

Tom
I might join you for one but I can't have anymore I've got to drive...What did you do last night?

Phil
Just got fucked after work we went to this pub and boy there was some pussy in their man

Tom
Really what pub

Phil
I can't remember but it was just round the corner from the White Horse

Tom
Yeah... Did you have any joy?

Phil
Na did I bollocks I was way to smashed

Tom
Is that Carl outside

Phil
Yeah what's he doing here?

Tom
I don't know...Carl over here mate

Carl
Thank fuck I've found you guys. I've been looking everywhere...

Phil
Whats up mate, you don't look too good

Tom
Have you been on it all night son you look fucked

Carl
Well I haven't slept

Phil
Whats going on man... you alright?

Carl
I would have called but I lost my phone

Tom
What did you do leave it in a bar or something

Carl
No...Right now... don't laugh or anything this is serious... I'm really fucking scared man

Phil
Look just calm down...Did some cunt nick your phone

Sue
Two Number Three's

Tom
Yeah here and over there...Carl do you want some food...you should eat something mate

Carl
Na...Na...I'll have a coffee please love

Phil
So start from the top slowly and tell us what happened

Carl
I was abducted by aliens

Phil
Oh fuck off you soppy bastard...

Tom
Your such a cunt Carl...I don't why we bother son...

Carl
I knew you wouldn't believe me... fuck this... if your not gonna help me I'll have to find someone else...

Tom
Carl... Shut the fuck up...Sit down stop being a fucking twat...Now sit down...SIT DOWN

Phil
Carl mate... Come on son stop fucking about

Carl
I'm not fucking about I'm serious and if you two cunts don't believe than I'll go find someone who does..Look I need a drink

Tom
There's a coffee coming

Carl
I mean a proper drink... I don't feel comfortable in here can we go?

Tom
Look... Lets us eat a little something first

Carl
Fuck this...I'm going over the road

Phil
Carl...For fuck sake... Hang on... Come on Tom

Tom
Fuck that I'm Finishing my food I'll see you over there...And I'm going after one I've got far to much shit to do today mate... the best for him is a good night sleep...In a fucking loony bin

Phil
Leave it out... He's obviously taken something... anyway I'm gonna go over...See ya Sue cheers

Sue
Bye love

Int Pub

Carl
I got you a pint Phil

Phil
Cheers mate..

Carl
Where's Tom...

Phil
He's just finishing his food, he'll be over in a minute


Carl
Look mate, I've known you for a long time and you know as well as I do that we've done our fair share of drugs but mate... this was different... this was real

Phil
O.k. Start from the beginning... where was you and what happened

Carl
Aright...

Tom
Sorry lads did you get me a pint... fuck me that breakfast was good...Sorry what were we talking about

Phil
Carl was going to explain what happened last night

Tom
Oh yeah the abduction....Yeah go ahead Carl...

Carl
Right so I was having a few beers

Tom
Oh by the way Roy's gonna meet us in a bit

Phil
Nice... Go on Carl...



Cut



Int House


Dave
Sally... Mum wants to know if you want some breakfast...Sally its getting close to one are you alright mate...

Sally
Yeah tell her I'm not hungry...I'll be down later alright

Dave
O.k.

Mum
Is she alright up there

Dave
Yeah I think so...What time did she get in last night


Mum
How do I know... I was in bed by Eleven

Dave
Good point... well she wasn't here when I got in... I hope she didn't see that prick Sam last night... the sooner she gets him out of her head the better

Mum
She's a big girl she can take care of herself


Dave
Yeah well...If she sees him again and he's fucking said something..


Mum
David... Shut the fuck up...Its none of your business you have to let her get on


Cut to Bedsit

Knocking

Scot
FUCK OFF

Ben
Come and answer the door you lazy slag

Scott
FUCK OFF

Ben
Come on mate... Well look if your not getting up then could you at least give me that money you owe me...I ain't even got enough for a pint

Scott
FUCK OFF

Ben
WANKER!

Scott
what time is it... fucking hell... shit... that was one fucked up night...BEN...BEN...SORRY MATE COME UP

Scott potters around the bedsit scratching his balls

Knocking

Scott
Hello mate you O.K

Ben
Yeah not bad didn't do much last night I ain't got any money

Scott
I'll give you that score I owe you today

Ben
Safe...what you doing today... do you want to come to mine and play on the wii...mate the Godfather game is the fucking best man...

Scott
Do you want a coffee?

Ben
You got anything soft

Scott
I've got a beer

Ben
Yeah that'll do...You know in the film where Al Pacino's Character...

Scott
Micheal

Ben
Yeah Micheal...well you know when he shoots the copper and the other guy in the restaurant..

Scott
Yeah

Ben
Well your the fucker who has to put the gun in the toilet

Scott
No Fucking way..thats sounds wicked

Ben
It is the best...so what did you do last night?

Scott
I can't remember

Ben
Was it that bad...

Scott
Ben mate I really can't remember...I think I'm gonna be sick...

Scott is violently sick in the sink

Ben
Fucking hell mate you need to slow down a bit fella...

Scott
Oh god I don't feel to good man...

Scott sits down on the floor

Ben
Scott what the fuck is that thing on your leg

Scott
I don't know man... shit I don't feel to good mate

Ben
Scott mate you should really get that looked at man... thats not right mate...what the fuck did you do last night

Scott
I CAN'T FUCKING REMEMBER... AAARRRRRHH

Scott screams while on the floor and hold his head

Ben
Scott mate what the fucks going on

Scott
CALL THE FUCKING AMBULANCE...AAARRRHH

Ben
Please stop screaming I don't like it...what's going on...I knew I should of stayed at home

Scott
Ben call me an ambulance..Please Ben...I think I'm dying...

Scott has stopped screaming and is more calm. Ben begins to Scream and cry

Ben
I don't like this anymore... I just want to go home

Scott
Please Ben you need to call me an ambulance

Ben
I HAVE'NT GOT ANY CREDIT!

Scott
ITS FUCKING FREE

Ben
O.K O.K O.K O.K JUST GIVE A SECOND

Scott
I HAVE'NT GOT A FUCKING SECOND

Ben
SORRY ..ITS JUST I'M DOING IT I'M DOING IT I'M DOING IT

Scott began to scream again and hold his head

Ben
Hello...yeah I need an ambulance... flat 4 Essex Road Islington... it's my mate hes got this thing on his leg and he's been sick and he's screaming... I think he's gonna die...well thats what he said anyway...Ok hang on I'll ask him...Scott did you eat anything funny last night?

Scott
I CAN'T FUCKING REMEMBER... AAARRRHHH

Ben
Yeah... he can't remember... I think it would be best if you came down and took a look at him yourself he's not really making any sense to me


Scott
TELL THEM TO HURRY... PLEASE

Ben
Look could you get here as soon as possible


Cut

Smoking

"I'm smoking alright, I haven't smoked for a week but I'm gonna smoke today, just today... Now and let me smoke and leave me alone"

Grace liked to smoke but she was alone. The people from her village where funny about a few things and one of them was smoking. On her own planet it was normal to smoke but Grace had not been home for a long time. She had bigger feet and stronger thighs then most and in strange way she was strange and she was bright and beautiful with great tits and amazing eyes which lights a room and a room. The man was wrong about the way she smoked her fags outside. If only they knew how she could ride.

"I'll smoke today and be O.K. Let me have my say you dirty gay, I'll smoke today cos that's my way... In the night in the night"

Grace came far to be with them and never wanted to let them in. In a shop where we all worked she showed us all her big fat cock. What can we do? How many people feel blue? In a life without smoke and cigarettes too

Grace we miss you

Why did you go to that other place, you are bright and beautiful with great tits.

Can we smoke now please?

Terry & Terri, Terri & Terry & Terry & Terry

“Can I get a pint of Carling please... Cheers”
“Thats Two Ninety please”
“Thanks”

It was Thursday night and Terry had not been out with a women for just over two years. He was nervous and not quite sure how the night would pan out. His brother-in-law had set him up with a date vier the Internet and although Terry was reluctant at first, second and third he agreed to go, it turned out that they had one thing particular in common...They both shared the same name.
Terrance was a fairly tall man just under six foot, with an average build. He would have been a lot larger but went jogging on a regular basis and ate healthy foods, he didn't drink to excess and hated smoking. To be honest he was a complete twat. I mean he was a nice guy but he didn't really have anything going for him in the personality department. At one point there was a women he was involved with but she finished with him after Terry started to under perform in bed and she got the arse and fucked off with a younger guy, who could stimulate her sexually. Actually thats a lie... She was a slapper and he found out that she was sleeping with half the office while they were together, this devastated him and he stopped talking to the others guys at work, he trusted no-one. She did end up with a younger fella though, so its wasn't really that much of a lie. Terry worked for a Travel Insurance company in Croydon, dealing with the travel claims. He'd been working there for twenty years and was going to celebrate his Thirty Eighth birthday in a couple of months. His brother-in-law is possibly the biggest cunt on the face of the earth, he is such a wanker it makes me mad just thinking about him, let alone writing about him. Fucking wanker, knob cunt face, wanker. Sorry lets get back to the date. By the way his wife, Terry's sister, is ugly and smelly and rather large...Sorry I just don't like them.

The date was at Seven Thirty and it was already pushing close to Eight. Terry was going to leave but he decided to have one more beer. if she didn't arrive by the time he finished he would be gone

“Can I get a pint of Carling please... Cheers”
“Thats Two Ninety please”
“Thanks”

As he took his drink from the bar he noticed a lady walking into the pub. He took a deep breath, put his pint on the bar and approached her.
“Hi... you must be Terri?”
“Yeah, that would make you Terry too”
“Yes... or Terry one, I was hear first, ha-ha”
“Yes I'm sorry I'm late, I got a bit lost....”
“Oh no it's fine. I wasn't saying it because of that... would you like drink?”
“Yes I'll have a glass of...I don't know the house red”
“No problem...Can I get a glass of red wine...Cheers”
“What one would you like?”
“Just the house”
“Which house would you like?”
“Really don't mind... erm....What red would you like”
“I Don't mind, which one's do they have”
“I don't know, let me ask...Which ones do you have?”
“Merlot... Shiraz... Gamey”
“What do you think?”
“Anyone is good for me”
“Yeah, the first one please”
“Large or small”
“Large or small”
“Small”
“You can have large”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, please have a large glass”
“O.K... A large one please”
“Thats four pound”
“Thank you. Do you take card?”
“Only for transactions over ten pounds”
“Oh... So maybe I should get something else...Would you like some crisps?”
“I don't know what flavors do they have?”
“I don't know what flavors do you have?”
“Cheese and onion, ready salted...

It's as bad for me writing this shit as it is for you reading it, but this is how it happened.

“Why don't you just run a tab?”
“I can do that?”
“Yes, you can”
“O.k. Thats sounds good”
“Good... I need your card sir”
“O.k Here you are”

The bar maid was in a bad mood, she had just found out that her boyfriend had been attacked and was outside her house with no way to get in, he had been badly beaten and needed medical attention, he was afraid to call an ambulance. You see, they would take him to Mayday and he was scarred that his attachers might be there waiting for him. Terri was at work alone and unable to get some one to come and cover her.

“So your name's the same as mine”
“Yes”
“I've never been out with some one who has the same name as me, it's really exciting”
“Yeah they say that partners who both have the same name have a fifty percent chance of staying together”
“Really where did you read that?”
“Some at work told me”
“Yeah, and where do you work?”
“In Croydon”
“Yeah, so do I”
“I didn't know that, all I knew was, we shared the same name”
“Yes thats what I thought”
“What do you?”
“I work for a Travel Insurance company”
“No way, so do I”
“Your kidding...you must be joking how strange”
“Do you deal with claims?”
“Yeah, I been there for quite a few years actually”
“Tell me about it so have I”

It was Thursday night and Terri had not been with a man for just over two years. She was nervous and not quite sure how the night would pan out. Her Sister-in-law had set her up with a date vier the Internet and although Terri was reluctant at first, second and third he agreed to go, it turned out that they had one thing particular in common...They both shared the same name...

“Look...Baby I can't just leave work...I know...Why don't you call an ambulance...Sorry baby please don't shout...Well your just have to come here...No he's off, it's just me...Yeah there's about four or five people here...Yeah...Hold on I have a customer just come here...I love you to, see you soon...Yes please what can I get ya?”

“Can I get a pint of Carling, please and a glass of red”
“Which one would you like?”
“The same as before and put it on my tab”
“Alright...Here you go”
“Cheers”

Terry brought the drinks back to the table. Everything seemed to be going well. Terry and Terri were getting on like a house on fire and he thought his luck was about to change one the female front.

“This is a nice place”
“Yeah my office is in South Croydon, so when I do go out for a drink I go out down there”
“Yeah its kind of the same for me, but I work in East Croydon”
“Wow we have so much in common”
“Yeah...It is nice in here I don't think I've ever had a drink in West Croydon before”
“No, I think it makes a nice change”
“So, whats your favorite colour?”
“Blue, yours?”
“The same”
“Wow”

It was getting closer to twelve and the pub would be shutting soon. They were both enjoying themselves and even spoke about the next time they could meet. They were so amazed that they had so many things in common. They both were very quiet at work but here tonight they felt they could really open up and talk to each other. It may have been the first time they had met but they felt a strong attraction towards one another, this could possible have been love at first sight, if you believe in that shit.

“Hey baby... Oh my good what have they done to you?”
“It's not that bad I'll survive...look I'm going to the toilet to clean up a bit when you closing the bar”
“Well...In about ten minutes we only have these two left”
“Can't you tell them to leave”
“Look they'll go in a minute, get your self cleaned up”
“Alright... I love you baby”
“I love you...
...Right last orders please”

“Oh, shall we have one more”
“Yes, let me get it”
“No I'll get it, please”
“God we're the only ones in here”
“Thats Alright we'll one more...
...Same again please”
“Yeah sure...
...Sorry lads we're closed”
“Yeah I know you are. Now... Where the Fuck is Terry”
“He's not here”
“I'm Terry”
“What mate!”
“I said my names Terry, I don't think we called for a cab, Terri did we call a cab”
“Are both your name's Terry thats strange me and my boyfriend are called Terry as well”
“Really...”
“WELL ISN'T THAT FUCKING LOVELY. MY NAME'S TERRY AND SO IS MY FRIEND HERE”
“Wow thats amazing...”
“SHUT UP, YOU STUID BASTARD! NOW I'M NOT GONNA ASK AGAIN WHERE THE FUCK IS TERRY”
“I'm here”
“Hello mate...Now why did you run away from us early?”
“YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE”
“TERRI NO...”

Terri jumped from behind the bar with a chopping knife and ran toward Terry (the bad one). He grabbed the knife off her and held it to her neck. He pressed the knife into her throat. She screamed he pushed the instrument through her throat and bad towards her neck, dropping her to the floor , she laid there, bleeding. The other Terry's could not believe what had just happened. There was silence, such a quiet sound that no-one could hear the air or sound or noise just silence. Terry dropped to his knees and cried.

“Terry that the fuck are you doing”
“Shut the fuck up I know what I'm doing...Terry get up... Get up fucking pussy

Terry had just lost the women he loved and was sobbing uncontrollably. Terry and Terri sat in fear for there lives. They held each other tight and closed there eyes. They felt love, fearful love but love none the less, it felt amazing. They had never felt such an incredible feeling before, they cried

“What the fuck we gonna now... We did not come here to kill fucking strangers just him... You fucking idiot... Give me the knife... Terry...Terry...Give me that fucking knife...
“I know what I'm doing man”
“Get the fuck out of here I'll deal with you later”

Terry left the pub with blood on his hands.
Terry left the pub with blood on his hands
The other Terry's stayed
The other Terri's stayed
Terry's bother-in-law is a wanker
Terri's sister-in -law is a cunt
Don't go drinking in West Croydon

Fartman Chapter 12

Simon sat alone in his flat and let out an unbearable sound from his over sized cheeks, which seemed to resemble a very loud bagpipe player. Playing a tune from a sitcom, which was so poor that it only aired for one episode on BBC 4. He had been sat there for day’s listening to his own terribly unlucky wind orchestra, playing a variety of songs from horrible shows, which he may have accidentally heard on many drunken nights in front of the television. Simon was so depressed and lonely and tired and farting and ugly and smelly that he contemplating his own demise. Simon had not stopped farting for twelve years. After everything that had just happened with Cosmo, Simon was in a smelly place filled only with his own wind and brutal aroma. Cosmo was gone for good and Simon felt that he could never enter into a relationship again. He knew that the only way to get over this incredible dejection was to hit the drugs harder then he or she ever fought could be possible.