Woody At Work Part One

“Afternoon”
“What time do you call this?”
“Fuck off, what time did you get here this morning”
“I was here on time actually”
“Well that’s a first init, you knob”

“Hello Chef, how’s it going alright?”
“Yes h…h…how is you”
“Good mate, but I’m a bit hungry you couldn’t do us a bacon sarnie mate”
“O.K O.K O.K O.K… you make one coffee for me”
“Yeah… no problem”

“Yes Will, how’s it going my brother?”
“Hey brother, where have you been?”
“I had a couple of days off, but I’ve got to work the fucking weekend, Do a coffee for Chef would ya”
“No problem my brother”
Fuck I wonder if I’ve got a clean T-shirt in the cloakroom. Shit I need some water, right I’m gonna drink water all day, maybe I should have a tea with honey in it…

“So what did you do last night?”
“Oh…hello Knob, how are you? Nice that you learnt how to say morning”
“It’s the Afternoon you mug”
“Fuck off”
“What did you and Weeman do yesterday, you were fucked when I came home and that was about seven”
“Did you see us yesterday?”
“Yeah I came home for an hour before I went to my girlfriends house, you two were fucked”
“Mate we must of drunk four bottles of wine each and a couple of pints, we were mashed guy. I don’t even remember seeing you”
“When I came in you two were dancing round the flat singing Sinatra tracks, as soon as I came in you started to try and lick my face”
Oh yeah
“Yeah, I remember that now, shit sorry Knob, were we being dicks”
“Na you were alright. It was funny. I just wish I could have been there with ya”

“Look, table Fourteen, it’s alright I’ll go”

“Hello, what can I get you?”
Core… this bird’s got a great pair of melons
“Can we get two coffee’s please?”
“What kind of coffee would you like?”
“Oh…. Darling what would you like?”
“I’ll just have it black and strong”
Just how you like your men, you faggot!
“And you Madam what would you like”
Apart from a good seeing too in the bum
“I’ll have a latté and can we smoke here?”
“No, just at the bar”
“Oh fine”
“Cheers”
“Will, do us a black filter and a latté for fourteen”
“Yes my brother”

“Hey Fred, What you saying?”
“Hey man, I’m cool, dude, how are you?”
“I’m good mate, have a look at the bird on fourteen she’s got great boob’s”
“O.K I think I will”
Right let me put these coffees through the till, table 14, one latté, and one filter. Cool.

“Hey Chef, is that my sandwich”
“Yes”
“Cheers Chef”
“Knob, can I just eat this sarnie before we start getting rammed”
“Yeah, hurry up though mate you’ve come in late and now your sitting on your arse; if the old man comes in he’ll go mad”
“Yeah… Yeah… Yeah…, do one. Will, can you do me a coffee please mate and pass my water”
“Anything else brother, do you want a foot massage as well”
“Maybe later”
Just make the coffee you cunt. Fuck me I'm not sure if this hangovers gonna get worse, I feel like shit, maybe I’ll have a beer in a bit just to take the edge off. This sandwich is all right init.
“Cheers Chef, this is alright this”
“You welcome”
“Here you go my brother one coffee”
“Cheers Will, you da mother fucking man”
“That’s O.K, what did you do yesterday?”
“Me and Weeman got twisted, I was still pissed about ten minutes ago I think I’m starting to sober up”
“Have a beer brother, it’ll help”
“Na, fuck that… Maybe in an hour”

Right I better go and put a top on
“Are you gonna get changed or what”
“Yeah I’m going”
Fucking hell, if he’s gonna piss me off all day, I’ll fuck off home.

Man that one stinks, how about this one, this ain’t too bad. Yeah man this will do it’s a bit smelly but it’s alright
“Freddy does this top smell?”
“No it’s cool man, you smell beautiful darling”
“Thanks love”
“Hey that girl you said about is hot man”
“Yeah she’s alright her boyfriends a bit of a prick. He’s been in a few times”
“She has got amazing boobs”
“Yeah man, they rock”

Right I’m gonna do some work. Where did I put that water?
“Knob, is it just the four of us today”
“Yeah Candy phoned in sick”
“Are we opening outside?”
“Yeah I was just setting it up”
“Look man, it said on the news it’s gonna rain, and there’s only four of us, I feel like shit. Why don’t we leave it closed ay?”
“I don’t know…”
“Come on don’t be a gay lord, its cold anyway no one will want to sit out there…”
“Alright but if the old man comes in then I’ll tell him you said it was gonna rain”
“No worries I’ll take all the shit. Wicked. You’re not such a Knob after all”
“Piss off and do some work, you bum”
“What ever you say boss”
Sweet, what a touch there’s know way I fancied going outside, fuck that

“Woody the door”
“Yeah I’ve got it”
Here we go
“Do you have a table for two”
“Have you booked?”
“Oh no… I didn’t know we had too… is there room in your garden”
You haven’t even fucking booked and you wanna go outside, it’s gonna be one of those fucking days
“No the gardens closed sorry. Right, I’ve got this table here”
“Oh no… its very close to the door is there anything else a little further away”
“No… they’re all reserved I’m afraid”
“Well we’re not going to be long”
If your not going to be long then why the fuck do you care where you fucking sit
“Hang on a second…Alright if your not gonna be long then you can sit over there but I’m gonna need the table back in about forty five minutes”
“Oh that’s fine we have to go back to work”
Go on; fuck off
“Here you are, these are our specials”
“Thank you”

“Hi, can we order, we haven’t got very long”
“Yeah sure, what would you like?”
“What’s the Pasta today”
Bollocks, I ain’t got a clue, what was it the other day Err….
“Erm…Spinach and Ricotta Ravioli with a mushroom cream sauce”
“Oh…that sounds nice, I love mushrooms”
Shit… please chose something different
“What about the Risotto”
Fucking hell, just say something they won’t like erm…
“Pumpkin”
“Oh… well it’s either the Pasta or the Fish Cakes”
“FISH CAKES. Sorry the fish cakes are really good”
“Oh… O.k.… I’ll have the fish cakes. What are you going to have darling?”
“Well it’s either the Pasta…
Why did they have to like mushrooms?
…Or the burger”
“The burger is really nice”
“Do you have something against the pasta?”
“I don’t really like mushrooms, but the burger is always a winner”
“O.k. Sold”
“How would you like it cooked”
“Medium”
“What would you like to drink?”
“Your friend is took our order…”
“O.k., look they’re coming now, cheers”
“Thank you”
“Hey Knob, what’s the pasta?
“Erm…Spinach and Ricotta Ravioli with a…mushroom cream sauce…?”
“Did you make that up?”
“Yeah I ain’t got a clue”
“That’s fucking mad, that’s what I said to table two”
“Is it, we rock,”
“Chef what’s the Pasta”
“Er…Spinach and Ricotta Ravioli…
Don’t fuck about
…With a Sun Blush Tomato cream sauce”
Fuck me we were close
“Shit Knob, we were well close”

Oh… fuck I think my phones ringing
“Hello”
“Alright mate, what you up to later”
“I don’t know I’ll probably have a few beers where you gonna be?”
“Soho I’m having a few with some of the boy’s after work”
“Alright I’m working now I’ll call when I’m done”
“Later”
“In a bit”

“The door”
“Hi, how you doing, have you got a reservation?”
“Yes, table for six in the name of Simon”
“Yeah we have a table at the back for you”
“Very nice”
“Here’s the specials board”
“What’s the pasta of the day…?”