This day

the red wine flows and the cheers goes but no one is safe tonight
when we stay at home on this festive night
everyone is safe tonight
so we all stay in our homes
and the gangs roam
the streets are full of bums
they listen and drink and we eat fish
if i come back here one day to this place
i will always be the same
if i come back here to my mum and dad
they live here in this house
the rooms are cold
the stair case is dry but air is clean
so do we question our dreams
i drink the red
till my head
and heart tells me its dead
one day
one day
Christmas day
what a day's do we need to fear
only love
the bum
the kid
the lover
the friend
the slut
the bird
lets all have a drink
to this
day

home please

there's some music playing in this place i don't know where i am. Help
me i need to go home

boy

there was once this kid who lived down my road
he was a horrible little cunt
he came to my house
looking for stuff
tying to buy my things
trying to eat my food
equalising my way
and being
but he was always
nice
my best friend
he look after me
and kept me out of trouble
when i got caught
with the fags
and the class
it was always
him
i want to thank you
you little cunt
he's still my friend
the cunt
the mate
the man
you still there
yes you are the boy the mate the man

want

i was walking
them they see
what i'd like
we all walk down the same place and l
even we if
i want to
i
love my mum
and my wife
but
friends
friends
come and go
and see what they always see
that we are not good
and they see that
sometimes the
drugs
won
i wiss the
drugs don't won
when do then they run
run
run
away


i won't run
i'll stay
will you stay?

football

it was cold and the rain felt
down but there was
if you look on the way then you see
i will always say
that if i can be
but if you are
then we can sing and say
walk and slide
slip away
stay
stay
you were that cunt who always told me off
fuck off
fuck off
i like to walk and hate to run fast
why can it be that
we say the might
kings and
have beens
all the way here what ever they say
i like the
i like
i
do we
drink
all
day
not any more
i dream of all game we all play
football

...

It was late...
We liked...
Each other...
Went back...
To hers...
Fuck...
ed...
Fell...
A...
Sleep...
I...
Needed...
To...
Sleep...
But...
I Had To...
Fart...
So I...
Left...
And...
Farted...
All...
The way...
Home...
It felt...
Good

The Other Day

what happened the other day
when you stopped walking
you told me that if you was gonna run you...
i spent a long time at the market
buying stuff for your bird
who's a cunt by the way
she started shouting at me
so i told her to fuck off
leave me alone
i went for a beer
and got a shot
this is when i met the women of my dreams
we walk together down the lane
into the park
and on the bench
it was cold
and her name was fun
she smells like wood chip

we went down the road today and there was no
they always walk down the same road but there was no
the people stopped at the road but they couldn't go no
when the girl skipped to the bus stop there was no
all of us tried but there was no
no one can
no one do
no one say
its always the same way

the girl s with the big tit s look s alright

the bad smell of my own farts
the never ending time it takes me to do something right
there must be a button on this thing
what did i do last night
i need to stop eating shit
i should have more fights

the girl s with the big tit s look s alright

stella is her name
more or less
we watch the way she moves her legs
she looks like a dog in that dress
all the boy want to feel her breasts

the girl s with the big tit s look s alright

i drink all day in the same bar
the landlord looks like an old whore
the women in the corners leg are on show
i just
really need to go

the girl s with the big tit s look s alright

i try to go
but some one buys me a drink
i sit for a while until i am sick
all over the bar
and on some girl s tit s

the girl s with the big tit s doesn't like this

23098

i was hungry and i wanted some food
So i decided to make some room
i was thirsty but there was no water to drink
what would my people think
i had walked for a long time and there was no bus
all there is is pretty girls who make no fuss
driving though the valley in the town I'd never been
like a dog who'd always seen
a county bar as long as i could see
oh Mary just let me be
oh Mary just let me be
when you walk...all on your own
you think about who you left at home
it's a quite place there in the slums
this wild life looks at every one
all the ways it looks so nice so pretty
some times the rain sounds like being in a big city
Every thing is drunk
Every thing is Drunk
Lets laugh and sing
ring a ring ring!!
The people sing
the girls and boys sing
good nite
i hope to see you again in my dreams
good nite
I'll be ther when you wake
No fear

How many?

How many figures am I holding up?
Well just have a guess
No it was Three
You owe me twenty quid you stupid cunt

Its been a while

Got me hair cut
No more Alice band
Playing poker on the web
I'm not very good
Watching a lot of porn
Love porn
Drinking the same
Grapes are The Gods greatest creation
Still working
Getting the bus to work
Smells a bit sometimes
The computer in my room is shit
Listening to the radio
To many Beans are bad
Smoking more then ever
Just folded a five and six
See you next week

www.sillybirdsbitching.blobspot.com

So right, the other day. I think…yeah it was yesterday. That cunt Les came up to the flat for a cup of tea. He said he had a few bits and bobs I might be interested in. So before he came in I told him. “Les you can have a cup of tea. I'll have a look at what you got then your gonna have too fuck off because if my husband comes back and your here he'll cut your balls off and turn me in to a sand coon”
So he's come up and I asked him how many sugar he has in his tea. I offer him a custard cream and asked him to show me the goods.
Well the cunt didn't even have a bag. So I thought here we go the dirty bastards gonna get his cock out or some thing. Well he pulls out this box from hes pocket and then the stupid fucker gets on one knee and proposes to me, well I was liked “Les you stupid fucker I'm already married and you know my husband, what on earth are you doing do, have you gone mad”
So he tells me he loves me and all that stuff. I mean I don't even know him very well, but it was a nice ring so I says to him. “I tell you what if I give you a blow job can I keep the ring”
He told that the ring was his grandmothers and he felt that it would have been disrespectful to give me the ring from sexual pleasures. Instead he offered me fifty quid to suck him off. I told him to do one and kicked him out of my flat. Cheeky bastard

Posted by Dee Dee Dirtbox

She's got Wheels Chapter Two

Me and Tony got up and went down stairs to see to our sisters request. “Its not even half six Sue, I don't even know if the pool will be open”
“Shut the fuck up you little prick and get me in that car, Tony get the keys, your driving”
“There's no way I'm driving Sue, I've not long gone to bed and that would make me well over the limit and I'm sure you wouldn't be keen getting in a car with a drunk again, would you sis?”
She was pissed and to be far so was my brother but in a different way.
“Right then there's no other choice, Peter your driving”
“But I ain't got a licence Sue! I can't drive... I've never had a lessons”
“You could always drive Sue”
“Don't you take the piss Tony cause I'll fucking...”
Sue started to sob slowly, she opened the door and wheeled herself to the car. Me and Tony looked at each other. “What did you say that for?”
“I was only joking... Fuck it! There shouldn't be anyone on the road... I'll drive slowly come on lets go”
We got Sue in the car... Nothing was said... If the police pulled us up with Tony still pissed from the night before and a raspberry in the back with her swimming costume on at half six in morning I'm sure they wouldn't be to impressed. The car started... Shit... lets go for a swim.

Hair

“We've all heard the stories but none of us thought that it would be one of us to go.
It didn't sink in that we could all be plucked out
No one is special
We are all the same
It does not mater if your longer
It does not mater if your are curlier
If your stronger
If your cleaner
If your older, younger or finner, stable bodied and fitter then the rest
You could still go the same way”

Hey June, you alright love
Yeah not bad darling
Is your husband still around
No he was pulled out a long time ago
Really... Blown or brushed?
Brushed... We knew it was coming... I mean he'd had his share of ups and downs
Yeah at least he had a bit of volume not like some of these youngsters
Don't... Last week there was a huge blow and no one was safe... It was crazy we were hanging on by the skin
My longest almost went... If it wasn't for her father telling me how to hold on... She would have been plucked for good
Oh don't... it's so sad when they go at such a long age
Yeah
Yeah
What do think will happen today
Maybe the soft treatment, we haven't had it for a few days
Yeah, that would be nice
How long ago were the big floods?
I don't know two years
What if that happens again?
Don't talk about that so loud. That was a one off. It can't happen again. It would wipe us all out.
Yeah, but what if happened again?
June... Stop it your scare the children
Sorry... I didn't think anyone could hear us
You don't know who's listening.

Screenplay

Int: Cafe Two men stand looking up at a board with a menu on


Phil
What did you end up doing last night?

Tom
I just had a few beers after work, I wasn't up for a big one. I've got to much shit to do today

Phil
Oh yeah like what?

Tom
Well... I've got to get my mum a birthday present... It was her birthday yesterday and I've not picked her up anything yet... It's my nephews Christening on Sunday so I've got to pick something up for him... it's my turn to do the sweep stake at work so I need to go to the bookies after this... Our computers run out of paper so I need to buy some A4...I've got to pick my suit up from the cleaners... I need a new pair of shoes... We haven't really got any food in the house so I could do with going to the market... Frank asked me if I could drop round the Cd's I burnt for him the other day...Claire wants me to drop her round her sisters this afternoon...

Phil
What do you want to eat?

Tom
Number 3 tea and toast

Phil
Two Number 3's tea and toast please Sue

Sue
No Problem love I'll bring them over

They walk to a table and sit down
Tom
How about you?

Phil
I probably just go over the road after this and have a pint, I ain't got no plans

Tom
I might join you for one but I can't have anymore I've got to drive...What did you do last night?

Phil
Just got fucked after work we went to this pub and boy there was some pussy in their man

Tom
Really what pub

Phil
I can't remember but it was just round the corner from the White Horse

Tom
Yeah... Did you have any joy?

Phil
Na did I bollocks I was way to smashed

Tom
Is that Carl outside

Phil
Yeah what's he doing here?

Tom
I don't know...Carl over here mate

Carl
Thank fuck I've found you guys. I've been looking everywhere...

Phil
Whats up mate, you don't look too good

Tom
Have you been on it all night son you look fucked

Carl
Well I haven't slept

Phil
Whats going on man... you alright?

Carl
I would have called but I lost my phone

Tom
What did you do leave it in a bar or something

Carl
No...Right now... don't laugh or anything this is serious... I'm really fucking scared man

Phil
Look just calm down...Did some cunt nick your phone

Sue
Two Number Three's

Tom
Yeah here and over there...Carl do you want some food...you should eat something mate

Carl
Na...Na...I'll have a coffee please love

Phil
So start from the top slowly and tell us what happened

Carl
I was abducted by aliens

Phil
Oh fuck off you soppy bastard...

Tom
Your such a cunt Carl...I don't why we bother son...

Carl
I knew you wouldn't believe me... fuck this... if your not gonna help me I'll have to find someone else...

Tom
Carl... Shut the fuck up...Sit down stop being a fucking twat...Now sit down...SIT DOWN

Phil
Carl mate... Come on son stop fucking about

Carl
I'm not fucking about I'm serious and if you two cunts don't believe than I'll go find someone who does..Look I need a drink

Tom
There's a coffee coming

Carl
I mean a proper drink... I don't feel comfortable in here can we go?

Tom
Look... Lets us eat a little something first

Carl
Fuck this...I'm going over the road

Phil
Carl...For fuck sake... Hang on... Come on Tom

Tom
Fuck that I'm Finishing my food I'll see you over there...And I'm going after one I've got far to much shit to do today mate... the best for him is a good night sleep...In a fucking loony bin

Phil
Leave it out... He's obviously taken something... anyway I'm gonna go over...See ya Sue cheers

Sue
Bye love

Int Pub

Carl
I got you a pint Phil

Phil
Cheers mate..

Carl
Where's Tom...

Phil
He's just finishing his food, he'll be over in a minute


Carl
Look mate, I've known you for a long time and you know as well as I do that we've done our fair share of drugs but mate... this was different... this was real

Phil
O.k. Start from the beginning... where was you and what happened

Carl
Aright...

Tom
Sorry lads did you get me a pint... fuck me that breakfast was good...Sorry what were we talking about

Phil
Carl was going to explain what happened last night

Tom
Oh yeah the abduction....Yeah go ahead Carl...

Carl
Right so I was having a few beers

Tom
Oh by the way Roy's gonna meet us in a bit

Phil
Nice... Go on Carl...



Cut



Int House


Dave
Sally... Mum wants to know if you want some breakfast...Sally its getting close to one are you alright mate...

Sally
Yeah tell her I'm not hungry...I'll be down later alright

Dave
O.k.

Mum
Is she alright up there

Dave
Yeah I think so...What time did she get in last night


Mum
How do I know... I was in bed by Eleven

Dave
Good point... well she wasn't here when I got in... I hope she didn't see that prick Sam last night... the sooner she gets him out of her head the better

Mum
She's a big girl she can take care of herself


Dave
Yeah well...If she sees him again and he's fucking said something..


Mum
David... Shut the fuck up...Its none of your business you have to let her get on


Cut to Bedsit

Knocking

Scot
FUCK OFF

Ben
Come and answer the door you lazy slag

Scott
FUCK OFF

Ben
Come on mate... Well look if your not getting up then could you at least give me that money you owe me...I ain't even got enough for a pint

Scott
FUCK OFF

Ben
WANKER!

Scott
what time is it... fucking hell... shit... that was one fucked up night...BEN...BEN...SORRY MATE COME UP

Scott potters around the bedsit scratching his balls

Knocking

Scott
Hello mate you O.K

Ben
Yeah not bad didn't do much last night I ain't got any money

Scott
I'll give you that score I owe you today

Ben
Safe...what you doing today... do you want to come to mine and play on the wii...mate the Godfather game is the fucking best man...

Scott
Do you want a coffee?

Ben
You got anything soft

Scott
I've got a beer

Ben
Yeah that'll do...You know in the film where Al Pacino's Character...

Scott
Micheal

Ben
Yeah Micheal...well you know when he shoots the copper and the other guy in the restaurant..

Scott
Yeah

Ben
Well your the fucker who has to put the gun in the toilet

Scott
No Fucking way..thats sounds wicked

Ben
It is the best...so what did you do last night?

Scott
I can't remember

Ben
Was it that bad...

Scott
Ben mate I really can't remember...I think I'm gonna be sick...

Scott is violently sick in the sink

Ben
Fucking hell mate you need to slow down a bit fella...

Scott
Oh god I don't feel to good man...

Scott sits down on the floor

Ben
Scott what the fuck is that thing on your leg

Scott
I don't know man... shit I don't feel to good mate

Ben
Scott mate you should really get that looked at man... thats not right mate...what the fuck did you do last night

Scott
I CAN'T FUCKING REMEMBER... AAARRRRRHH

Scott screams while on the floor and hold his head

Ben
Scott mate what the fucks going on

Scott
CALL THE FUCKING AMBULANCE...AAARRRHH

Ben
Please stop screaming I don't like it...what's going on...I knew I should of stayed at home

Scott
Ben call me an ambulance..Please Ben...I think I'm dying...

Scott has stopped screaming and is more calm. Ben begins to Scream and cry

Ben
I don't like this anymore... I just want to go home

Scott
Please Ben you need to call me an ambulance

Ben
I HAVE'NT GOT ANY CREDIT!

Scott
ITS FUCKING FREE

Ben
O.K O.K O.K O.K JUST GIVE A SECOND

Scott
I HAVE'NT GOT A FUCKING SECOND

Ben
SORRY ..ITS JUST I'M DOING IT I'M DOING IT I'M DOING IT

Scott began to scream again and hold his head

Ben
Hello...yeah I need an ambulance... flat 4 Essex Road Islington... it's my mate hes got this thing on his leg and he's been sick and he's screaming... I think he's gonna die...well thats what he said anyway...Ok hang on I'll ask him...Scott did you eat anything funny last night?

Scott
I CAN'T FUCKING REMEMBER... AAARRRHHH

Ben
Yeah... he can't remember... I think it would be best if you came down and took a look at him yourself he's not really making any sense to me


Scott
TELL THEM TO HURRY... PLEASE

Ben
Look could you get here as soon as possible


Cut

Smoking

"I'm smoking alright, I haven't smoked for a week but I'm gonna smoke today, just today... Now and let me smoke and leave me alone"

Grace liked to smoke but she was alone. The people from her village where funny about a few things and one of them was smoking. On her own planet it was normal to smoke but Grace had not been home for a long time. She had bigger feet and stronger thighs then most and in strange way she was strange and she was bright and beautiful with great tits and amazing eyes which lights a room and a room. The man was wrong about the way she smoked her fags outside. If only they knew how she could ride.

"I'll smoke today and be O.K. Let me have my say you dirty gay, I'll smoke today cos that's my way... In the night in the night"

Grace came far to be with them and never wanted to let them in. In a shop where we all worked she showed us all her big fat cock. What can we do? How many people feel blue? In a life without smoke and cigarettes too

Grace we miss you

Why did you go to that other place, you are bright and beautiful with great tits.

Can we smoke now please?

Terry & Terri, Terri & Terry & Terry & Terry

“Can I get a pint of Carling please... Cheers”
“Thats Two Ninety please”
“Thanks”

It was Thursday night and Terry had not been out with a women for just over two years. He was nervous and not quite sure how the night would pan out. His brother-in-law had set him up with a date vier the Internet and although Terry was reluctant at first, second and third he agreed to go, it turned out that they had one thing particular in common...They both shared the same name.
Terrance was a fairly tall man just under six foot, with an average build. He would have been a lot larger but went jogging on a regular basis and ate healthy foods, he didn't drink to excess and hated smoking. To be honest he was a complete twat. I mean he was a nice guy but he didn't really have anything going for him in the personality department. At one point there was a women he was involved with but she finished with him after Terry started to under perform in bed and she got the arse and fucked off with a younger guy, who could stimulate her sexually. Actually thats a lie... She was a slapper and he found out that she was sleeping with half the office while they were together, this devastated him and he stopped talking to the others guys at work, he trusted no-one. She did end up with a younger fella though, so its wasn't really that much of a lie. Terry worked for a Travel Insurance company in Croydon, dealing with the travel claims. He'd been working there for twenty years and was going to celebrate his Thirty Eighth birthday in a couple of months. His brother-in-law is possibly the biggest cunt on the face of the earth, he is such a wanker it makes me mad just thinking about him, let alone writing about him. Fucking wanker, knob cunt face, wanker. Sorry lets get back to the date. By the way his wife, Terry's sister, is ugly and smelly and rather large...Sorry I just don't like them.

The date was at Seven Thirty and it was already pushing close to Eight. Terry was going to leave but he decided to have one more beer. if she didn't arrive by the time he finished he would be gone

“Can I get a pint of Carling please... Cheers”
“Thats Two Ninety please”
“Thanks”

As he took his drink from the bar he noticed a lady walking into the pub. He took a deep breath, put his pint on the bar and approached her.
“Hi... you must be Terri?”
“Yeah, that would make you Terry too”
“Yes... or Terry one, I was hear first, ha-ha”
“Yes I'm sorry I'm late, I got a bit lost....”
“Oh no it's fine. I wasn't saying it because of that... would you like drink?”
“Yes I'll have a glass of...I don't know the house red”
“No problem...Can I get a glass of red wine...Cheers”
“What one would you like?”
“Just the house”
“Which house would you like?”
“Really don't mind... erm....What red would you like”
“I Don't mind, which one's do they have”
“I don't know, let me ask...Which ones do you have?”
“Merlot... Shiraz... Gamey”
“What do you think?”
“Anyone is good for me”
“Yeah, the first one please”
“Large or small”
“Large or small”
“Small”
“You can have large”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, please have a large glass”
“O.K... A large one please”
“Thats four pound”
“Thank you. Do you take card?”
“Only for transactions over ten pounds”
“Oh... So maybe I should get something else...Would you like some crisps?”
“I don't know what flavors do they have?”
“I don't know what flavors do you have?”
“Cheese and onion, ready salted...

It's as bad for me writing this shit as it is for you reading it, but this is how it happened.

“Why don't you just run a tab?”
“I can do that?”
“Yes, you can”
“O.k. Thats sounds good”
“Good... I need your card sir”
“O.k Here you are”

The bar maid was in a bad mood, she had just found out that her boyfriend had been attacked and was outside her house with no way to get in, he had been badly beaten and needed medical attention, he was afraid to call an ambulance. You see, they would take him to Mayday and he was scarred that his attachers might be there waiting for him. Terri was at work alone and unable to get some one to come and cover her.

“So your name's the same as mine”
“Yes”
“I've never been out with some one who has the same name as me, it's really exciting”
“Yeah they say that partners who both have the same name have a fifty percent chance of staying together”
“Really where did you read that?”
“Some at work told me”
“Yeah, and where do you work?”
“In Croydon”
“Yeah, so do I”
“I didn't know that, all I knew was, we shared the same name”
“Yes thats what I thought”
“What do you?”
“I work for a Travel Insurance company”
“No way, so do I”
“Your kidding...you must be joking how strange”
“Do you deal with claims?”
“Yeah, I been there for quite a few years actually”
“Tell me about it so have I”

It was Thursday night and Terri had not been with a man for just over two years. She was nervous and not quite sure how the night would pan out. Her Sister-in-law had set her up with a date vier the Internet and although Terri was reluctant at first, second and third he agreed to go, it turned out that they had one thing particular in common...They both shared the same name...

“Look...Baby I can't just leave work...I know...Why don't you call an ambulance...Sorry baby please don't shout...Well your just have to come here...No he's off, it's just me...Yeah there's about four or five people here...Yeah...Hold on I have a customer just come here...I love you to, see you soon...Yes please what can I get ya?”

“Can I get a pint of Carling, please and a glass of red”
“Which one would you like?”
“The same as before and put it on my tab”
“Alright...Here you go”
“Cheers”

Terry brought the drinks back to the table. Everything seemed to be going well. Terry and Terri were getting on like a house on fire and he thought his luck was about to change one the female front.

“This is a nice place”
“Yeah my office is in South Croydon, so when I do go out for a drink I go out down there”
“Yeah its kind of the same for me, but I work in East Croydon”
“Wow we have so much in common”
“Yeah...It is nice in here I don't think I've ever had a drink in West Croydon before”
“No, I think it makes a nice change”
“So, whats your favorite colour?”
“Blue, yours?”
“The same”
“Wow”

It was getting closer to twelve and the pub would be shutting soon. They were both enjoying themselves and even spoke about the next time they could meet. They were so amazed that they had so many things in common. They both were very quiet at work but here tonight they felt they could really open up and talk to each other. It may have been the first time they had met but they felt a strong attraction towards one another, this could possible have been love at first sight, if you believe in that shit.

“Hey baby... Oh my good what have they done to you?”
“It's not that bad I'll survive...look I'm going to the toilet to clean up a bit when you closing the bar”
“Well...In about ten minutes we only have these two left”
“Can't you tell them to leave”
“Look they'll go in a minute, get your self cleaned up”
“Alright... I love you baby”
“I love you...
...Right last orders please”

“Oh, shall we have one more”
“Yes, let me get it”
“No I'll get it, please”
“God we're the only ones in here”
“Thats Alright we'll one more...
...Same again please”
“Yeah sure...
...Sorry lads we're closed”
“Yeah I know you are. Now... Where the Fuck is Terry”
“He's not here”
“I'm Terry”
“What mate!”
“I said my names Terry, I don't think we called for a cab, Terri did we call a cab”
“Are both your name's Terry thats strange me and my boyfriend are called Terry as well”
“Really...”
“WELL ISN'T THAT FUCKING LOVELY. MY NAME'S TERRY AND SO IS MY FRIEND HERE”
“Wow thats amazing...”
“SHUT UP, YOU STUID BASTARD! NOW I'M NOT GONNA ASK AGAIN WHERE THE FUCK IS TERRY”
“I'm here”
“Hello mate...Now why did you run away from us early?”
“YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE”
“TERRI NO...”

Terri jumped from behind the bar with a chopping knife and ran toward Terry (the bad one). He grabbed the knife off her and held it to her neck. He pressed the knife into her throat. She screamed he pushed the instrument through her throat and bad towards her neck, dropping her to the floor , she laid there, bleeding. The other Terry's could not believe what had just happened. There was silence, such a quiet sound that no-one could hear the air or sound or noise just silence. Terry dropped to his knees and cried.

“Terry that the fuck are you doing”
“Shut the fuck up I know what I'm doing...Terry get up... Get up fucking pussy

Terry had just lost the women he loved and was sobbing uncontrollably. Terry and Terri sat in fear for there lives. They held each other tight and closed there eyes. They felt love, fearful love but love none the less, it felt amazing. They had never felt such an incredible feeling before, they cried

“What the fuck we gonna now... We did not come here to kill fucking strangers just him... You fucking idiot... Give me the knife... Terry...Terry...Give me that fucking knife...
“I know what I'm doing man”
“Get the fuck out of here I'll deal with you later”

Terry left the pub with blood on his hands.
Terry left the pub with blood on his hands
The other Terry's stayed
The other Terri's stayed
Terry's bother-in-law is a wanker
Terri's sister-in -law is a cunt
Don't go drinking in West Croydon

Fartman Chapter 12

Simon sat alone in his flat and let out an unbearable sound from his over sized cheeks, which seemed to resemble a very loud bagpipe player. Playing a tune from a sitcom, which was so poor that it only aired for one episode on BBC 4. He had been sat there for day’s listening to his own terribly unlucky wind orchestra, playing a variety of songs from horrible shows, which he may have accidentally heard on many drunken nights in front of the television. Simon was so depressed and lonely and tired and farting and ugly and smelly that he contemplating his own demise. Simon had not stopped farting for twelve years. After everything that had just happened with Cosmo, Simon was in a smelly place filled only with his own wind and brutal aroma. Cosmo was gone for good and Simon felt that he could never enter into a relationship again. He knew that the only way to get over this incredible dejection was to hit the drugs harder then he or she ever fought could be possible.

Jive Ass Mother

“STOP THAT MAN, HE STOLEN MY BADGER”
“GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY OR THE BADGER GETS IT”
The biggest problem that faced young Leroy was the fact that the stupid bollox had stolen a badger and not a hand bag
“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY”
He ran for a few more yards and found a small ally way where him and his new goods could rest
“WHAT THE FUCK MAN… I’VE REALLY FUCKED UP… I’VE STOLLEN A FUCKING BADGER… WHY THE FUCK DID I STOP SELLING THE WEED MAN… DIS IS DONE FUCKED MAN”
He sat down in a puddle and waited, he waited and cried and the badger looked and the boy screamed and then there was silence.
“Hey man, don’t shout so loud... you probably just save my life, that fat ugly chick was taking me to ‘The Kitchen’. She was gonna make a mean badger soup out of my sweet furry ass”
“AAARRRRRR… WHAT THE FUCK… HOW THE FUCK…YOU CAN’T…I MUST BE... FUCKED…”
“Hey man shut the fuck up. What you getting so Jazzy about. You the dumb motherfucker who did done just stole my ass... why you getting so Jive Jack”
“AAAARRRRRRRRR…..WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON… MAN, SOMEONE MUST HAVE PUT SOME SHIT IN MY SHIT AND SHIT”
The boy was confused he had just robbed a Jive ass talking badger who knew a whole lot about the world.
“Hey you small time pecker wood candy ass bitch, shut yourself up and get with the god dam programme. The pretty dam ugly fat white women who you just robbed is gonna be looking for me, my ass tastes like sweet cherry pie ice cream and that bitch is hungry!
Now we do have to get the fuck out of here. Because if they find you they’ll take you to ‘The Kitchen’ and I would not like to say what kind of soup they’d make out your black ass…"
“ALRIGHT ALRIGHT…just give me a second… I’m…not …sure… what… to…"
“Pick me up and run you stupid cock eyed son of a bitch, before I stick my furry tail right up inside your skinny ass!!”

Woody At Work Part One

“Afternoon”
“What time do you call this?”
“Fuck off, what time did you get here this morning”
“I was here on time actually”
“Well that’s a first init, you knob”

“Hello Chef, how’s it going alright?”
“Yes h…h…how is you”
“Good mate, but I’m a bit hungry you couldn’t do us a bacon sarnie mate”
“O.K O.K O.K O.K… you make one coffee for me”
“Yeah… no problem”

“Yes Will, how’s it going my brother?”
“Hey brother, where have you been?”
“I had a couple of days off, but I’ve got to work the fucking weekend, Do a coffee for Chef would ya”
“No problem my brother”
Fuck I wonder if I’ve got a clean T-shirt in the cloakroom. Shit I need some water, right I’m gonna drink water all day, maybe I should have a tea with honey in it…

“So what did you do last night?”
“Oh…hello Knob, how are you? Nice that you learnt how to say morning”
“It’s the Afternoon you mug”
“Fuck off”
“What did you and Weeman do yesterday, you were fucked when I came home and that was about seven”
“Did you see us yesterday?”
“Yeah I came home for an hour before I went to my girlfriends house, you two were fucked”
“Mate we must of drunk four bottles of wine each and a couple of pints, we were mashed guy. I don’t even remember seeing you”
“When I came in you two were dancing round the flat singing Sinatra tracks, as soon as I came in you started to try and lick my face”
Oh yeah
“Yeah, I remember that now, shit sorry Knob, were we being dicks”
“Na you were alright. It was funny. I just wish I could have been there with ya”

“Look, table Fourteen, it’s alright I’ll go”

“Hello, what can I get you?”
Core… this bird’s got a great pair of melons
“Can we get two coffee’s please?”
“What kind of coffee would you like?”
“Oh…. Darling what would you like?”
“I’ll just have it black and strong”
Just how you like your men, you faggot!
“And you Madam what would you like”
Apart from a good seeing too in the bum
“I’ll have a latté and can we smoke here?”
“No, just at the bar”
“Oh fine”
“Cheers”
“Will, do us a black filter and a latté for fourteen”
“Yes my brother”

“Hey Fred, What you saying?”
“Hey man, I’m cool, dude, how are you?”
“I’m good mate, have a look at the bird on fourteen she’s got great boob’s”
“O.K I think I will”
Right let me put these coffees through the till, table 14, one latté, and one filter. Cool.

“Hey Chef, is that my sandwich”
“Yes”
“Cheers Chef”
“Knob, can I just eat this sarnie before we start getting rammed”
“Yeah, hurry up though mate you’ve come in late and now your sitting on your arse; if the old man comes in he’ll go mad”
“Yeah… Yeah… Yeah…, do one. Will, can you do me a coffee please mate and pass my water”
“Anything else brother, do you want a foot massage as well”
“Maybe later”
Just make the coffee you cunt. Fuck me I'm not sure if this hangovers gonna get worse, I feel like shit, maybe I’ll have a beer in a bit just to take the edge off. This sandwich is all right init.
“Cheers Chef, this is alright this”
“You welcome”
“Here you go my brother one coffee”
“Cheers Will, you da mother fucking man”
“That’s O.K, what did you do yesterday?”
“Me and Weeman got twisted, I was still pissed about ten minutes ago I think I’m starting to sober up”
“Have a beer brother, it’ll help”
“Na, fuck that… Maybe in an hour”

Right I better go and put a top on
“Are you gonna get changed or what”
“Yeah I’m going”
Fucking hell, if he’s gonna piss me off all day, I’ll fuck off home.

Man that one stinks, how about this one, this ain’t too bad. Yeah man this will do it’s a bit smelly but it’s alright
“Freddy does this top smell?”
“No it’s cool man, you smell beautiful darling”
“Thanks love”
“Hey that girl you said about is hot man”
“Yeah she’s alright her boyfriends a bit of a prick. He’s been in a few times”
“She has got amazing boobs”
“Yeah man, they rock”

Right I’m gonna do some work. Where did I put that water?
“Knob, is it just the four of us today”
“Yeah Candy phoned in sick”
“Are we opening outside?”
“Yeah I was just setting it up”
“Look man, it said on the news it’s gonna rain, and there’s only four of us, I feel like shit. Why don’t we leave it closed ay?”
“I don’t know…”
“Come on don’t be a gay lord, its cold anyway no one will want to sit out there…”
“Alright but if the old man comes in then I’ll tell him you said it was gonna rain”
“No worries I’ll take all the shit. Wicked. You’re not such a Knob after all”
“Piss off and do some work, you bum”
“What ever you say boss”
Sweet, what a touch there’s know way I fancied going outside, fuck that

“Woody the door”
“Yeah I’ve got it”
Here we go
“Do you have a table for two”
“Have you booked?”
“Oh no… I didn’t know we had too… is there room in your garden”
You haven’t even fucking booked and you wanna go outside, it’s gonna be one of those fucking days
“No the gardens closed sorry. Right, I’ve got this table here”
“Oh no… its very close to the door is there anything else a little further away”
“No… they’re all reserved I’m afraid”
“Well we’re not going to be long”
If your not going to be long then why the fuck do you care where you fucking sit
“Hang on a second…Alright if your not gonna be long then you can sit over there but I’m gonna need the table back in about forty five minutes”
“Oh that’s fine we have to go back to work”
Go on; fuck off
“Here you are, these are our specials”
“Thank you”

“Hi, can we order, we haven’t got very long”
“Yeah sure, what would you like?”
“What’s the Pasta today”
Bollocks, I ain’t got a clue, what was it the other day Err….
“Erm…Spinach and Ricotta Ravioli with a mushroom cream sauce”
“Oh…that sounds nice, I love mushrooms”
Shit… please chose something different
“What about the Risotto”
Fucking hell, just say something they won’t like erm…
“Pumpkin”
“Oh… well it’s either the Pasta or the Fish Cakes”
“FISH CAKES. Sorry the fish cakes are really good”
“Oh… O.k.… I’ll have the fish cakes. What are you going to have darling?”
“Well it’s either the Pasta…
Why did they have to like mushrooms?
…Or the burger”
“The burger is really nice”
“Do you have something against the pasta?”
“I don’t really like mushrooms, but the burger is always a winner”
“O.k. Sold”
“How would you like it cooked”
“Medium”
“What would you like to drink?”
“Your friend is took our order…”
“O.k., look they’re coming now, cheers”
“Thank you”
“Hey Knob, what’s the pasta?
“Erm…Spinach and Ricotta Ravioli with a…mushroom cream sauce…?”
“Did you make that up?”
“Yeah I ain’t got a clue”
“That’s fucking mad, that’s what I said to table two”
“Is it, we rock,”
“Chef what’s the Pasta”
“Er…Spinach and Ricotta Ravioli…
Don’t fuck about
…With a Sun Blush Tomato cream sauce”
Fuck me we were close
“Shit Knob, we were well close”

Oh… fuck I think my phones ringing
“Hello”
“Alright mate, what you up to later”
“I don’t know I’ll probably have a few beers where you gonna be?”
“Soho I’m having a few with some of the boy’s after work”
“Alright I’m working now I’ll call when I’m done”
“Later”
“In a bit”

“The door”
“Hi, how you doing, have you got a reservation?”
“Yes, table for six in the name of Simon”
“Yeah we have a table at the back for you”
“Very nice”
“Here’s the specials board”
“What’s the pasta of the day…?”

Harry the Horse

Harry the horse was eating hay
Hanging out in his stable
He had a big race today
That everyone thought he could win
But someone thought he would lose
They decided his fate was not in his hoofs
And took him to another place
Where there were lights and people
And cameras and a set
With all sorts of objects
There were pretty girls who stroked him
Not like the jockeys that had rode him many times before
These girls were gentle and loving
Harry was enjoying the affection
One of the ladies started to stroke him in a place that had never been stroked before
“ACTION” a man called so loud
Then this woman, he had never met put her lips on his horse hood
He felt out of breath and scared
His legs started to kick and he moved backward
“CUUUTT. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS HORSE DOING”
“Oh for fuck sake I’m not going to suck this stupid horse off if he doesn’t like it. I’ve sucked off a thousand horses and they all have a good time what’s wrong with this fucker”
Harry didn’t like sluts sucking him off.
He was a gentle horse who believed in love
Why have my trainers taken me here? I'm a good racer
It turned out Harry the horse was dying
The only way to make any money out of him was to sell him to a porn company
Harry never raced again and his cock was sucked black and blue
But you know what, secretly, I think he liked it

The 250

“Jane are you awake”
“Yes Bill, are you ok what’s the matter”
“Oh nothing… I was just seeing if you were up. I think it may get busy soon it’s coming up to half eleven and the pubs will be kicking out”
“Yes your right Bill maybe we should wake up some of the others, I’m sure they don’t want the same kind of nasty shock poor Jenny had yesterday when that horribly smelly fat man sat on her last night”
“I heard that”
“Oh…Hello Jenny”
“Hi Bill… Why on earth didn’t anyone warn me? I was having a beautiful dream and all of a sudden BANG! He smelt so bad; it was like he poured beer all over his body”
“How much do you think he weighed?”
“Oh he must have been close to Seventeen stone I mean the man was a beast, and the poor girl who sat down on David, she must of wished she’d went up stairs”
“Oh come on Jane, a young lady can’t sit up stairs it’s to dangerous, who’ve heard some of the stories from the boys up there it’s crazy, you know we should all count our lucky stars we’re down here”
“Good evening girls, you two gossiping again”
“Hi Mr Honfire, we were just chatting, did you have a nice sleep”
“Yes I did girls, and now I’m ready for action, how are you Bill”
“I good Mr Honfire, you know another day and all that”
“What on earth was that lady talking about this afternoon on her mobile phone she was making one hell of a racket”
“Oh I didn’t have any ladies on me this afternoon I think that was Steve, she was making all sorts of noise”
“Please, Please lets not talk about it, she drove me insane”
“Hi Steve”
“Hey Steve, did you sleep well”
“Yeah thanks Jane I did”
“So what no earth was she talking about”
“She was from Poland and I think she might have had a job interview for a bar job in Crystal Palace but the stupid bitch had got on the wrong fucking bus stop”
“No way”
“Yeah, sorry about my language Mr Honfire but you heard her she was a right twat”
“That’s O.K carry on”
“Right she got on in Brixton and was alright, I didn’t mind her, she smelt lovely and she didn’t weigh a lot so it was quite nice but then she started getting itchy and moving round loads”
“I hate it when they do that”
“Yeah so do I “
“ Me too”
“What are you guys talking about?”
“Oh some Polish bird Steve had sitting him on today”
“So then the phone comes out and she starts screaming down it, and all I could understand was, Sorry Mr Honfire, ‘where the fuck is Crystal Palace and where fuck I am going, I never get Job now you told me get on this bus it’s wrong one, the next time I see you your gonna pay’, she was very angry. I think she got up and asked the driver and got off at the common.”
“She was mad”
“Look…there’s a big queue outside KFC, is everyone up, its gonna be a busy night”

www.sillybirdsbitching.blogspot.com

I think I’m fat, well my tits sag and I’ve got a big bum.

I’m a size twelve but most of my friends are a size ten

One girl, not my best friend, I mean she’s ok; she used to sit next to me in science. She’s a size six but she’s always smoking so she doesn’t eat too much. My best friend Joe fucked this guy the other day and she said he was fat but he didn’t look it until he took his top off then his gut fell out.

But she’s a slut, she’s slept with like fourteen guys where I’ve only slept with nine and one of them I was in love with his name was Phil he was funny and smart and really good looking with a massive cock.

I think he was half French and half Irish he was amazing, he left me for another women but I don’t care because he was the best.

I don’t think I’ll never have a man like that again.

By the way when I was with him I was a size ten and my tits were perfect.

God I miss you Phil.

The other day I went to TopShop to buy some Kate Moss clothes but it was all shit so I had a fight we an Asian girl that kissed her teeth at me when I accidentally stepped on her feet. She was a right bitch if I see her again I’ll break her nose fat slag, yeah and she was fat.

I think I’ll go to the Cinema tonight with Darren, if he pays for me to get in I might give him a hand job

Posted by Donna DirtBox

Goodnight Sam Chapter Five

It was dark and cold and about to rain
It smelt terrible; the feeling in the camp was that of uncertainty
Confidence was low and people were scared
Charlie knew we were going the right way
He said from the start
“If we followed the second star from the left, closet to the moon then maybe we will reach our destination”
Some of the people thought he was crazy
But I trusted him; he was always accurate when it came to things like this
This day was unusual
There was so many of us it was astonishing
The amount of people following this mission
It was like nothing I had ever seen before
Not only us but there were all sorts of division’s
From many union’s walking in the same direction
On a normal day fighting would have broke out
The governing body would never let us walk shoulder to shoulder
There must have been something they didn’t want us to know
The only person close to us who knew what was going on was Charlie
We trusted him and let him led the way
The rain came down hard and the smell got worse but we carried on.

Some Geezer’s Gay Wedding

He looks nervous, uncomfortable, doesn’t really see anyone he knows, just new strange faces. He begins to speak.

“I’d like to start by thanking everyone for coming, especially one person of course, Greg.
I know this probably isn’t the wedding everyone was expecting.
Particularly me, as most of you are aware, I was straight two months ago and about to marry my long term girlfriend Jane.
Jane's my best friend Paul's sister.
He was originally going to be my best man but with the circumstances.
He did say he was gonna come today but i think he had work commitments.
I think he had to go in tomorrow morning at twelve and didn’t fancy a late one.
I spoke to my mum who could’ve made it but she assured me that the traffic getting here was going to be real bad.
She turned back after she got out of our street.
My godmother was on her way, but sadly her dog died this morning, so as you can all imagine she’s heart broken.
All my uncles were very fond of Rover too, so when they heard this, they flocked to her house. “There were so many tears” one of them told me, “there’s no way they could leave the house, it’s like a fucking waterfall in here, good job two of us are plumbers.”
I would just like to have a moment to remember Rover the dog…
My three sisters can’t be here, because they had already booked a holiday to Spain and as its peak season, they couldn’t get their money back on a cancellation.
But they did say to mention them in the speech and hoped everything goes well.
So, thanks girls, I’ll have a drink on you!
My boss at work had a serious stroke yesterday afternoon and is also unable to attend.
The next door neighbours that I spoke about so fondly, have moved out.
I'm not sure where they have gone, it was all a bit sudden.
I like to thank Mick and Jim for organising this event so quickly, it’s happened so fast, I haven’t had time to think.
I’m sure your gonna be great parents, guys, I… err look… err forward to having...a long
Sorry, what the fuck am I doing here?
Who the fuck are you people?
What am I doing with my life?”

He runs fast, doesn’t stop till he is outside, lights a cigarette and walks down the High Street until he finds the nearest pub.

She's Got Wheels Chapter One

I was in bed at the time. It was early. About six in the morning. She didn’t talk much any more. However, this one day she shouted up to me and Tony’s room and said “LAD’S I’M FUCKED IF I’M GONNA SIT ON MY ARSE AND DO NOTHING ALL DAY AND NIGHT, I’LL END UP KILLING SOMEONE. I’M GOING FOR A SWIM AND YOU TWO PRICK ARE GONNA TAKE ME!”
Now we love our sister, she’s the best, but two years ago she suffered from a serious injury, which left her in a wheelchair possibly for the rest of life. As soon as we heard this request from our big sister we thought it was a joke.
“Yeah good idea, why don’t you fly to the moon at the same time you spastic”
“FUCK OFF YOU CHEEKY LITTLE CUNT. NOW TAKE ME SWIMMING OR I'LL KICK THE SHIT OUT THE PAIR OF YA”
Our sister used to be the toughest girl in school and though now she couldn’t walk, we were still scared shitless of her.
“O.k. but its really early so why don’t you go back to bed and we’ll take you later”
“FUCK LATER I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT AND I WANT TO GO NOW!”
“Tony tell her, you’re older than me, tell to go back to sleep, we’ll take her later, she’s driving me mad”
I was the youngest and never really had any say in what went on in our house.
“ I’m not taking that miserable bitch swimming, she’ll scare all the kids with her fucked up legs”
“Don’t be such a horrible cunt, she’s not that bad”
“If she ain’t that bad then why the fuck don’t she let us sleep a bit longer. I only went to bed an hour ago!”
“IF YOU WASN’T OUT TAKING DRUGS ALL NIGHT, THEN MAYBE YOU’D BE ABLE TO GET UP AND TAKE YOUR CRIPPLED SISTER SWIMMING”
“How the fuck she hear that, when she mashed up her leg’s she must of gained supersonic hearing”
“YES I DID YOU LITTLE SHIT, NOW GET READY BEFORE I COME UP THERE AND GIVE THE BOTH OF YOU A HIDING”
“Yeah whatever sis, what you gonna do float up here?
“I HEARD THAT”
“SORRY”

The Cocksucker

I sat in a bar on the lower east side
I like this place; there are always a few bums in here
They had never seen the world
But they looked like they’d been dragged all the way round it
I came to this saloon quite a lot
It wasn’t very near my apartment but I enjoyed the walk
It was about six blocks and it helped me clear the hangover
Most of the time I sat on the same stool
I always drink whiskey with a bit of ginger
And the coldest beer in the house
The girl who works behind the bar is a pretty little thing
She has a great rack of lambs and an exceptional highnie
I’d already smoked four cigarettes and it didn’t feel like I’d been here long
I had a pack and a half left
I figured I oughta slow down if I was gonna last the whole day
I was minding my own business when this guy showed up
I think at the time I was daydream
I was imagining what I would do with that piece of ass behind the bar
All I needed was twenty seconds only with that cunt
So this dip-shit he sits next to me
Out of every fucking seat in the whole place this cocksucker decides to sit next to me
Not only does he sit by me. But he starts to talk
He’s not just making bullshit conversation.
I mean he’s telling me stuff
He starts tell me shit, I don’t need to know
Something about how he thinks his wife is seeing another fella
How when she comes home late at night
He can smell another mans cock on her mouth
I mean this kind of shit, its none of my business
If I was this pricks wife
I would probably be sucking all the cocks in the city just to get away from this guy
What a stupid fucking son of a bitch.
This piece of shit sits next to me when I’m clocking pussy
I would have told him to go fuck his mother and leave me alone
But he keeps buying drinks
This was when I thought maybe this crazy fuck’s a fag
“Hey you ain’t a queer are ya”
“Get the fuck outta here”
So he continues to tell me about his shithole life
How he’s got two kids that don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves
He's hardly got any family who give a fuck
Just a low life bum for a brother
Who sits in the same bar everyday
Living off the money there dead mother left them in her will
This prick, he didn’t shut the fuck up
All I could think about was taking the bar maid out the back
Ripping her work pants off
Then slowing edging her panties down her thighs with my two thumbs
Just as I’m getting to the good bit
I realise I'm getting a hard on and this guy’s still talking to me
I had to think of something else
Then right out of the blue he told me he had to go
Thank the good fucking lord for that
He said he was driving and had to pick his kids up from school
Woopie fucking do for you. Just get the fuck outta here, cocksucker
Then the man left
Before he left he bought me a beer
I only had half a pack of cigarettes left
I knew I’d have to slow down if I was gonna drink in here all night
I finished the beer he bought and got a colder one
The girl behind the bar started to walk toward me
I thought, Jesus Christ, maybe this could be my lucky fucking day
She had something in her hand
It was the bars telephone
I was thinking who the fucks calling me here
She told me my brother was on the phone
Fuck. I was supposed to meet that son of a bitch today
“Hey bro what’s happening”
“Did I leave my wallet on the bar. I can’t find the fucking thing anywhere”

Fartman Chapter One

If Simon ever stopped farting it would be a miracle. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like he’s farted his whole life. No way. The problem started just after his eighth birthday. His mother and father worked for a cable-cooking channel. They thought it would be a good idea to give their only child some time on the show. Simon was so excited, he always dreamed of being on the T.V. He would watch his mother and father all the time. He was so amazed that they were television stars. He couldn’t watch anything else. This became a problem. The cooking show made him very hungry. Simon would sit on his fat arse, watching his parents, eating all the time. Boy… was he fat; huge in fact, like a balloon waiting to pop. Now his folks would have got him on the show before. But they thought he might eat all the food. So they waited until they were cooking food Simon didn’t like. Unfortunately, Simon ate everything and when I say everything I mean everything. Once he was caught eating the bogies under the carpet that he’d put there the day before. It was hard to find a day to get him on the show. However, there was one food the little bloater didn’t like: Parsnips.

He hated parsnips; they made him sick to his stomach. You see, one Sunday his mother and father cooked a roast dinner. It was divine the best roast he’d ever tasted
He was tucking in and just about to try another one of these heavenly roast potatoes. When he picked it up with his fork and positioned it in his massive gob. He bit down and straight away he knew something was wrong. “Aaahhh this isn’t a POTATO”
“What’s the matter my little pudding”
“Aaahh this isn’t a POTATO”
“I know my little lamb chop, it’s a parsnip,” his mother informed him
“ITS DISCUSTING WHY DID YOU MAKE A PARSNIP LOOK LIKE A POTATO!!!”
“Because, my little basket of fresh baked bread, parsnips are beautiful when they’re roasted” his father proclaimed. Simon wobbled up the stairs and was violently sick all over the house.

This show was dedicated to every possible way to cook a parsnip. You name it they had it; Parsnip soup, pasta, risotto, fried parsnip, boiled… I think you get the point and I’m running out of ideas. This episode fell just after his eighth birthday and this was his main present. (Apart from an ‘all you can eat buffet’ at ‘Pizza Hut.’)
The night before Simon couldn’t sleep, it was like a second Christmas for him. This was bigger than Christmas. In the morning when they got up for breakfast, Tubbs ate a lot; he knew he wouldn’t eat when they got there because it was parsnip day and he hated parsnips. So, he filled his belly until there was barely room to breath. When they arrived at studio he met all of his parents work colleagues. They were all very fond of Porky and he was enjoying all the attention. Now… the girl looking after Large Pants was a lovely little thing. She was showing him round offering him drinks and just generally being a sweet heart to the Fat little bollocks. This girl made a critical error. She gave Simon the drink makes all people gassy. Fizzy Pop Panda Cola. Simon drank six can of Cola, ate as much as he could and was now more nervous than a first time disabled parachute jumper. He was about to go on a live Television with his mother and father. This balloon was ready to explode!

Sunday Morning

“Uuumm yeah”
“Hello mate, its me, you coming today or what?”
“what…. time…. is it?”
“Quarter to nine, so you better get lively if you want me to pick you up.”
“fuck man… your having a laugh… how long you gonna be… fuck I feel dog shit”
“Look just get your arse up and jump in the shower. I’ll be round in ten minutes”
“alright… bye bye bye bye bye bye”

Right, come on get out of bed. I swear I had a bird in here with me last night. Anyway, have I got any clean towels? Fuck. What am I gonna wear today. I don’t think I’ve got any clean clothes. Man I’m such a tramp. I’ve got to get a cleaner or just a washwomen, a really fit one, with big tits. I ain’t got time for this shit. I’ve got get in the shower.

“Alright Kid, what you still doing here”
“What time is it?”
“Its almost nine”
“What the fuck you doing up so early”
“I’m going to watch the boys play football”
“You not coming for breakfast”
“Nah man… what happened to them birds who were here last night”
“Fuck knows, they must of left, did you bang any of ‘hem”
“Nah… one was in bed with me but I didn’t fuck her”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think I couldn’t be bothered to put a ‘Johnnie’ on. She was like ‘no glove no love’ all that shit. So I just thought fuck it, I’m going to sleep then love. I must have passed out, what about you?”
“I was way to fucked man. The one I thought was alright had a boyfriend and she wouldn’t fucking shut about him, she was boring me to tears and the other was a good laugh but she was fucking ugly”
“Yeah she was a laugh; it’s a same she was proper minging”
“Fuck football, let’s go and have some munch”
“Nah… I promised the lads. What happened to Pants?”
“He left about, I don’t know, half six. I was sleeping and I think he told me he was gonna walk home. I was like, ‘whatever mate, later’.”
“He’s always does that, he’s fucking crazy. You don’t remember when I went to bed do ya?”
“I don’t know… about half four”
Half four, five, six, seven, eight thirty, ‘bout four hours, that ain’t to bad
“Four hours ain’t bad”
“Yeah, I really haven’t slept at all, so if your fucking off I might crash here for a hour or so, until Blue gets up and go down to his place, fuck me I’m sill pissed”
“Tell me about it. What time did he leave anyway?”
“About two, three, He had to go back to the see the wife, I think he brought half a bottle of red with him, he was mash up”
“Fuck did me and him do karaoke last night”
“Yeah man it was well funny. You two were dancing on tables like crazy fools, it was wicked”
“Sweet, look I gotta go. I call you later yeah”
“In a bit”
“In a bit, kid”

Right, shower. Is that my phone, don’t tell he’s here already
'I’M OUT SIDE HURRY UP YOU DRUNKEN BUM'
Fuck man, I haven’t had a shower yet. Bollocks.

M1 Corridor with Simeon Turner

"Hello everyone, I hope that you and your pigeons are all okay. As I write these notes I am getting ready to part our first round of young birds, and I have to say that there looks some absolute crackers amongst them so time will tell how they get on this season"

The Racing Pigeon 6th April 2007

This was the only thing I found to read on the toilet this evening.
I thought I'd share it with you.
I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.
I'm going to bed.
Before that I'd better brush my lips.

Walking

We walked far the other night
I think it helped him
His legs don’t move very fast so we walked slow
I think we covered some ground
He used to walk a lot when he was young
Around the town and sometimes on to the next
That’s what he did back then
They walked from one place to another
It was good for him to walk like that again
I know he enjoyed himself
He was smiling all the way
We found a pub in the end
Sat down to take the wait off
He’d been in this place before
Met plenty of girls so he told me
Had his first kiss in that corner
And his second here at the bar
He’d drunk a lot of ale in this pub
Had a fist fight with the old landlord
He said he broke his jaw
Stopped coming here he told me
Hadn’t been in for years
He didn’t recognise anyone and it started to get busy
We left after a pint and a cheeky whiskey
We started walking again back through the town
We walked far the other night
I think it helped him.

The Orange Tree

Claire was always into oranges
Not like most girls
Claire really liked oranges
Everyday for lunch she would eat orange sandwiches
They would consist of a whole orange
This she would eat, with the skin on
People at her work thought she was strange
She didn’t care she loved oranges
So much so that she wanted to be an orange tree
She went to the public library and found out where oranges come from
She sold her house and quit her job
Claire bought a plane ticket to a really hot country
She went to a farm where orange trees grow
She bought a shovel and dug a hole
Claire buried herself in the hole
The people who owned the field thought she was crazy
But to their surprise after a few weeks a tree started to grow from the same spot
In a year it grew into the biggest orange tree in the whole farm
After many years it became the biggest and best orange tree in the whole country
People would come from miles around to she her
They would sit under her arms
Eating the juiciest oranges they had ever tasted
Thanks Claire

Taxi for Wonka

“Hello mate, Green Lane please”
“Yes please”
I hope he doesn’t talk to me; I’ve got a really bad hangover
Where the fuck is he going the stupid cunt
“Mate... you need to go straight”
“But the machine is telling me to go to Crown Point”
Fuck the machine you fucking moron
“Look I’m telling ya, you need to go straight man”
“Okay but I think this way there may be traffic”
Just drive the fucking car you prick.
Don't tell me the best way to go, I’ve fucking lived here all me life
How long you lived for, cunt!
“Do a right up here”
This geezer ain’t got a fucking clue
Bollocks, I forget there’s a school here, there’s a bit of traffic
It’s not that bad, it’s still better then going half way round Upper fucking Norwood
“At the end of this road do a right, then first left please”
“Thank you sir, yes please”
If this cunt tries to charge me more then a fiver I’m gonna go mad
Look at the fucking state of you
You look like you’ve got fucking lipstick on; your lips are fucking purple
I wander how many bottles of red we went through last night
“There is lot of bumps this way”
There’s fucking bumps everywhere you stupid cunt
“It’s not very good for my car”
I don’t give a fuck about your car, just drive you knob
“Do a right here please mate”
Green Lane is such a shithole innit
Where shall I get him to pull over? By the bus stop
“Just over by that bus stop please mate”
Here we go, how much is this cunt gonna charge me now?
“How much is that mate?”
“Four pound please sir”
Fucking hell that’s all right innit!
“Sweet, here mate, take a fiver”
“Thank you very much sir”
“Cheers, take it easy”

All Day

I feel like shit, I’ve had maybe two hours sleep and I’m laying on my couch. I’ve just looked at my phone and it's half ten in the evening. Bollocks! I’ve been drinking all day and I’ve fucking fallen asleep again. Wanker! Where the fuck is everyone? I think I was out with quite a few people. Fuck! Maybe I should give them a call and see if they’re down the boozer. Shit! I don’t have any fucking credit but I swear I put a tenner on it earlier today. Who the fuck have I been ringing? Cunt! I’ve only called Joanna again, what the fuck did I say to her this time. I hope I wasn’t being a fucking arsehole. Man! I’m too old for this shit. Why do I do this every weekend? I’m going back out on the piss.

Seven foot four

“Why don’t you fuck off and pick on someone your own size”
What was he going to do? Dave was ‘seven foot four’. The tallest man in the city; he’d never had a fight and was screaming with anger.
He lived with a dog and a cat and they were fighting all the time. Fights broke out all over the town everyday. Mothers beating their kids; husbands slapping their wives; drunks fighting publicans; teachers pummelling parents. You name it. It was a marvellous place. The blood flew, the teeth shattered and the jaws broke, like an orchestra of boxing insanity.
Dave, however, couldn’t get a fight for love nor money. Oh he tried; the good lord knows how he tried. He begged. He tried to pay. He even got married and bore three strapping young boys to pick his chin in a scrap or two. But poor old Dave was too tall and no one would fight him.

Rodgers really late

When Rodgers feet fell off he knew he was in trouble
He had to be at work in an hour and if he didn’t resolve his problem he was going to be late
When he tried to stand he would fall over
He crawled to the telephone and tried to dial the number of his wife Daisy
As he pressed the buttons his fingers fell off one by one
“Shit now I’m fucked, I’m going to be really late for work”
Rodger screamed for help.
The third time he yelled his head fell off.
He never went to work again.

Ants

I am sitting here in my pants
I am not very fond of ants
If they crawl up my leg
Go up to my head
When I go to bed
I’ll make sure I give them some bread
Bread is my favourite food
I hope you enjoy it too
When I go to the loo
I never can pooh
And that often does make me mad!

Run

Today I am going to run for five hours
Then stop for three
Then carry on for a further five
Then go to the pub
Pub
Pub
Pub

Girl in a town

She always said she was going to be the most successful girl in the whole town.
She loved to read and loved to ride her bike.
She rode through town stopping to folks she knew.
“I’m going to be the most successful girl in the whole town.”
An outsider stopped the girl on her travels and asked the young lady a question she had never been asked before.
“What is your favoured mixer, coke or lemonade?" To no reply
“What is your favoured mixer, coke or lemonade?" Again no reply
“What is your favoured mixer, coke or lemonade?”
The girl was confused; she did not understand what the outsider was saying.
“I don’t understand what your saying”
“I’ll take you to a place, where you will understand”
There was only one bar in town; it didn’t open till the morning.
They waited.
And waited.
Then waited.
The outsider asked for two whiskey and cokes.
The barman was out of coke and served them lemonade.

Sally shoes

when sally went to work on monday mornings
she always found it hard to leave her street
when she got to the end of the road
her toes would grow so large that they would break her shoes

Paaacooock!

I’m truly tired.
I’m disappearing to bed.
I hope I don’t come round too early and have difficulty getting back to sleep.
I’ll make certain the curtains are drawn.
The brightness makes me awake.
The wank sends me to sleep.
The horrors keep me from kipping.
The red lets me dream.
That everyone's a chicken.
Paaacooock!

Using a computer

After a long period of time, I always thought it was weird.
After a long period of time, I always thought it was strange
After a long period of time, I always thought it was bizarre
After a long period of time, I always thought it was outlandish
After a long period of time, I always thought it was extraordinary
That I didn’t know how to use a thesaurus or the cut and paste thingy on the computer.
Do you think I’ve over done it?
I certainly do!

Sick

I’ve just been sick out side my house. The thing is I didn’t drink that much and the whole way home I never thought I would puke. Normally I know that I’m going to be sick but this time it just crept up on me. Strange, tomorrow I’ll tell you about how I pissed the bed. Good night!

Tired

I think today may have was the most tired I have ever been.
I can’t remember the last day I had off the booze.
I was thinking tomorrow would be a great day to start.
I have friends visiting and the footballs on.
I don’t even know whose playing but it’s probably some one good or shit.
I don’t know.
I have to get up at six thirty tomorrow and go to work.
I wish I lived closer to work so I could get up later.
I’m so tried
I need to go bed.
I…

Raymond works

Some people go to work to work. Raymond goes to work to drink.
He works in a bar in a Restaurant in a great city on a tiny Planet just outside ours.
He’s a very short man with gigantic ears and bright grey eyes.
On Mondays and Thursdays he wears a goat beard.
On Wednesdays and Sundays he wears a moustache.
On Tuesdays and Saturdays he wears big side-burns.
Often he is so drunk that he fails to remember what day it is and wears them all.
Raymond is sixty-four and has been working at the restaurant for forty-nine years.
He has seen countless members of staff come and go.
A number of them were very fond of Ray because he would always got them intoxicated at work.