Fartman Chapter One

If Simon ever stopped farting it would be a miracle. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like he’s farted his whole life. No way. The problem started just after his eighth birthday. His mother and father worked for a cable-cooking channel. They thought it would be a good idea to give their only child some time on the show. Simon was so excited, he always dreamed of being on the T.V. He would watch his mother and father all the time. He was so amazed that they were television stars. He couldn’t watch anything else. This became a problem. The cooking show made him very hungry. Simon would sit on his fat arse, watching his parents, eating all the time. Boy… was he fat; huge in fact, like a balloon waiting to pop. Now his folks would have got him on the show before. But they thought he might eat all the food. So they waited until they were cooking food Simon didn’t like. Unfortunately, Simon ate everything and when I say everything I mean everything. Once he was caught eating the bogies under the carpet that he’d put there the day before. It was hard to find a day to get him on the show. However, there was one food the little bloater didn’t like: Parsnips.

He hated parsnips; they made him sick to his stomach. You see, one Sunday his mother and father cooked a roast dinner. It was divine the best roast he’d ever tasted
He was tucking in and just about to try another one of these heavenly roast potatoes. When he picked it up with his fork and positioned it in his massive gob. He bit down and straight away he knew something was wrong. “Aaahhh this isn’t a POTATO”
“What’s the matter my little pudding”
“Aaahh this isn’t a POTATO”
“I know my little lamb chop, it’s a parsnip,” his mother informed him
“ITS DISCUSTING WHY DID YOU MAKE A PARSNIP LOOK LIKE A POTATO!!!”
“Because, my little basket of fresh baked bread, parsnips are beautiful when they’re roasted” his father proclaimed. Simon wobbled up the stairs and was violently sick all over the house.

This show was dedicated to every possible way to cook a parsnip. You name it they had it; Parsnip soup, pasta, risotto, fried parsnip, boiled… I think you get the point and I’m running out of ideas. This episode fell just after his eighth birthday and this was his main present. (Apart from an ‘all you can eat buffet’ at ‘Pizza Hut.’)
The night before Simon couldn’t sleep, it was like a second Christmas for him. This was bigger than Christmas. In the morning when they got up for breakfast, Tubbs ate a lot; he knew he wouldn’t eat when they got there because it was parsnip day and he hated parsnips. So, he filled his belly until there was barely room to breath. When they arrived at studio he met all of his parents work colleagues. They were all very fond of Porky and he was enjoying all the attention. Now… the girl looking after Large Pants was a lovely little thing. She was showing him round offering him drinks and just generally being a sweet heart to the Fat little bollocks. This girl made a critical error. She gave Simon the drink makes all people gassy. Fizzy Pop Panda Cola. Simon drank six can of Cola, ate as much as he could and was now more nervous than a first time disabled parachute jumper. He was about to go on a live Television with his mother and father. This balloon was ready to explode!

Sunday Morning

“Uuumm yeah”
“Hello mate, its me, you coming today or what?”
“what…. time…. is it?”
“Quarter to nine, so you better get lively if you want me to pick you up.”
“fuck man… your having a laugh… how long you gonna be… fuck I feel dog shit”
“Look just get your arse up and jump in the shower. I’ll be round in ten minutes”
“alright… bye bye bye bye bye bye”

Right, come on get out of bed. I swear I had a bird in here with me last night. Anyway, have I got any clean towels? Fuck. What am I gonna wear today. I don’t think I’ve got any clean clothes. Man I’m such a tramp. I’ve got to get a cleaner or just a washwomen, a really fit one, with big tits. I ain’t got time for this shit. I’ve got get in the shower.

“Alright Kid, what you still doing here”
“What time is it?”
“Its almost nine”
“What the fuck you doing up so early”
“I’m going to watch the boys play football”
“You not coming for breakfast”
“Nah man… what happened to them birds who were here last night”
“Fuck knows, they must of left, did you bang any of ‘hem”
“Nah… one was in bed with me but I didn’t fuck her”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think I couldn’t be bothered to put a ‘Johnnie’ on. She was like ‘no glove no love’ all that shit. So I just thought fuck it, I’m going to sleep then love. I must have passed out, what about you?”
“I was way to fucked man. The one I thought was alright had a boyfriend and she wouldn’t fucking shut about him, she was boring me to tears and the other was a good laugh but she was fucking ugly”
“Yeah she was a laugh; it’s a same she was proper minging”
“Fuck football, let’s go and have some munch”
“Nah… I promised the lads. What happened to Pants?”
“He left about, I don’t know, half six. I was sleeping and I think he told me he was gonna walk home. I was like, ‘whatever mate, later’.”
“He’s always does that, he’s fucking crazy. You don’t remember when I went to bed do ya?”
“I don’t know… about half four”
Half four, five, six, seven, eight thirty, ‘bout four hours, that ain’t to bad
“Four hours ain’t bad”
“Yeah, I really haven’t slept at all, so if your fucking off I might crash here for a hour or so, until Blue gets up and go down to his place, fuck me I’m sill pissed”
“Tell me about it. What time did he leave anyway?”
“About two, three, He had to go back to the see the wife, I think he brought half a bottle of red with him, he was mash up”
“Fuck did me and him do karaoke last night”
“Yeah man it was well funny. You two were dancing on tables like crazy fools, it was wicked”
“Sweet, look I gotta go. I call you later yeah”
“In a bit”
“In a bit, kid”

Right, shower. Is that my phone, don’t tell he’s here already
'I’M OUT SIDE HURRY UP YOU DRUNKEN BUM'
Fuck man, I haven’t had a shower yet. Bollocks.

M1 Corridor with Simeon Turner

"Hello everyone, I hope that you and your pigeons are all okay. As I write these notes I am getting ready to part our first round of young birds, and I have to say that there looks some absolute crackers amongst them so time will tell how they get on this season"

The Racing Pigeon 6th April 2007

This was the only thing I found to read on the toilet this evening.
I thought I'd share it with you.
I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.
I'm going to bed.
Before that I'd better brush my lips.

Walking

We walked far the other night
I think it helped him
His legs don’t move very fast so we walked slow
I think we covered some ground
He used to walk a lot when he was young
Around the town and sometimes on to the next
That’s what he did back then
They walked from one place to another
It was good for him to walk like that again
I know he enjoyed himself
He was smiling all the way
We found a pub in the end
Sat down to take the wait off
He’d been in this place before
Met plenty of girls so he told me
Had his first kiss in that corner
And his second here at the bar
He’d drunk a lot of ale in this pub
Had a fist fight with the old landlord
He said he broke his jaw
Stopped coming here he told me
Hadn’t been in for years
He didn’t recognise anyone and it started to get busy
We left after a pint and a cheeky whiskey
We started walking again back through the town
We walked far the other night
I think it helped him.

The Orange Tree

Claire was always into oranges
Not like most girls
Claire really liked oranges
Everyday for lunch she would eat orange sandwiches
They would consist of a whole orange
This she would eat, with the skin on
People at her work thought she was strange
She didn’t care she loved oranges
So much so that she wanted to be an orange tree
She went to the public library and found out where oranges come from
She sold her house and quit her job
Claire bought a plane ticket to a really hot country
She went to a farm where orange trees grow
She bought a shovel and dug a hole
Claire buried herself in the hole
The people who owned the field thought she was crazy
But to their surprise after a few weeks a tree started to grow from the same spot
In a year it grew into the biggest orange tree in the whole farm
After many years it became the biggest and best orange tree in the whole country
People would come from miles around to she her
They would sit under her arms
Eating the juiciest oranges they had ever tasted
Thanks Claire

Taxi for Wonka

“Hello mate, Green Lane please”
“Yes please”
I hope he doesn’t talk to me; I’ve got a really bad hangover
Where the fuck is he going the stupid cunt
“Mate... you need to go straight”
“But the machine is telling me to go to Crown Point”
Fuck the machine you fucking moron
“Look I’m telling ya, you need to go straight man”
“Okay but I think this way there may be traffic”
Just drive the fucking car you prick.
Don't tell me the best way to go, I’ve fucking lived here all me life
How long you lived for, cunt!
“Do a right up here”
This geezer ain’t got a fucking clue
Bollocks, I forget there’s a school here, there’s a bit of traffic
It’s not that bad, it’s still better then going half way round Upper fucking Norwood
“At the end of this road do a right, then first left please”
“Thank you sir, yes please”
If this cunt tries to charge me more then a fiver I’m gonna go mad
Look at the fucking state of you
You look like you’ve got fucking lipstick on; your lips are fucking purple
I wander how many bottles of red we went through last night
“There is lot of bumps this way”
There’s fucking bumps everywhere you stupid cunt
“It’s not very good for my car”
I don’t give a fuck about your car, just drive you knob
“Do a right here please mate”
Green Lane is such a shithole innit
Where shall I get him to pull over? By the bus stop
“Just over by that bus stop please mate”
Here we go, how much is this cunt gonna charge me now?
“How much is that mate?”
“Four pound please sir”
Fucking hell that’s all right innit!
“Sweet, here mate, take a fiver”
“Thank you very much sir”
“Cheers, take it easy”

All Day

I feel like shit, I’ve had maybe two hours sleep and I’m laying on my couch. I’ve just looked at my phone and it's half ten in the evening. Bollocks! I’ve been drinking all day and I’ve fucking fallen asleep again. Wanker! Where the fuck is everyone? I think I was out with quite a few people. Fuck! Maybe I should give them a call and see if they’re down the boozer. Shit! I don’t have any fucking credit but I swear I put a tenner on it earlier today. Who the fuck have I been ringing? Cunt! I’ve only called Joanna again, what the fuck did I say to her this time. I hope I wasn’t being a fucking arsehole. Man! I’m too old for this shit. Why do I do this every weekend? I’m going back out on the piss.

Seven foot four

“Why don’t you fuck off and pick on someone your own size”
What was he going to do? Dave was ‘seven foot four’. The tallest man in the city; he’d never had a fight and was screaming with anger.
He lived with a dog and a cat and they were fighting all the time. Fights broke out all over the town everyday. Mothers beating their kids; husbands slapping their wives; drunks fighting publicans; teachers pummelling parents. You name it. It was a marvellous place. The blood flew, the teeth shattered and the jaws broke, like an orchestra of boxing insanity.
Dave, however, couldn’t get a fight for love nor money. Oh he tried; the good lord knows how he tried. He begged. He tried to pay. He even got married and bore three strapping young boys to pick his chin in a scrap or two. But poor old Dave was too tall and no one would fight him.

Rodgers really late

When Rodgers feet fell off he knew he was in trouble
He had to be at work in an hour and if he didn’t resolve his problem he was going to be late
When he tried to stand he would fall over
He crawled to the telephone and tried to dial the number of his wife Daisy
As he pressed the buttons his fingers fell off one by one
“Shit now I’m fucked, I’m going to be really late for work”
Rodger screamed for help.
The third time he yelled his head fell off.
He never went to work again.

Ants

I am sitting here in my pants
I am not very fond of ants
If they crawl up my leg
Go up to my head
When I go to bed
I’ll make sure I give them some bread
Bread is my favourite food
I hope you enjoy it too
When I go to the loo
I never can pooh
And that often does make me mad!

Run

Today I am going to run for five hours
Then stop for three
Then carry on for a further five
Then go to the pub
Pub
Pub
Pub

Girl in a town

She always said she was going to be the most successful girl in the whole town.
She loved to read and loved to ride her bike.
She rode through town stopping to folks she knew.
“I’m going to be the most successful girl in the whole town.”
An outsider stopped the girl on her travels and asked the young lady a question she had never been asked before.
“What is your favoured mixer, coke or lemonade?" To no reply
“What is your favoured mixer, coke or lemonade?" Again no reply
“What is your favoured mixer, coke or lemonade?”
The girl was confused; she did not understand what the outsider was saying.
“I don’t understand what your saying”
“I’ll take you to a place, where you will understand”
There was only one bar in town; it didn’t open till the morning.
They waited.
And waited.
Then waited.
The outsider asked for two whiskey and cokes.
The barman was out of coke and served them lemonade.

Sally shoes

when sally went to work on monday mornings
she always found it hard to leave her street
when she got to the end of the road
her toes would grow so large that they would break her shoes

Paaacooock!

I’m truly tired.
I’m disappearing to bed.
I hope I don’t come round too early and have difficulty getting back to sleep.
I’ll make certain the curtains are drawn.
The brightness makes me awake.
The wank sends me to sleep.
The horrors keep me from kipping.
The red lets me dream.
That everyone's a chicken.
Paaacooock!

Using a computer

After a long period of time, I always thought it was weird.
After a long period of time, I always thought it was strange
After a long period of time, I always thought it was bizarre
After a long period of time, I always thought it was outlandish
After a long period of time, I always thought it was extraordinary
That I didn’t know how to use a thesaurus or the cut and paste thingy on the computer.
Do you think I’ve over done it?
I certainly do!

Sick

I’ve just been sick out side my house. The thing is I didn’t drink that much and the whole way home I never thought I would puke. Normally I know that I’m going to be sick but this time it just crept up on me. Strange, tomorrow I’ll tell you about how I pissed the bed. Good night!

Tired

I think today may have was the most tired I have ever been.
I can’t remember the last day I had off the booze.
I was thinking tomorrow would be a great day to start.
I have friends visiting and the footballs on.
I don’t even know whose playing but it’s probably some one good or shit.
I don’t know.
I have to get up at six thirty tomorrow and go to work.
I wish I lived closer to work so I could get up later.
I’m so tried
I need to go bed.
I…