So right, the other day. I think…yeah it was yesterday. That cunt Les came up to the flat for a cup of tea. He said he had a few bits and bobs I might be interested in. So before he came in I told him. “Les you can have a cup of tea. I'll have a look at what you got then your gonna have too fuck off because if my husband comes back and your here he'll cut your balls off and turn me in to a sand coon”
So he's come up and I asked him how many sugar he has in his tea. I offer him a custard cream and asked him to show me the goods.
Well the cunt didn't even have a bag. So I thought here we go the dirty bastards gonna get his cock out or some thing. Well he pulls out this box from hes pocket and then the stupid fucker gets on one knee and proposes to me, well I was liked “Les you stupid fucker I'm already married and you know my husband, what on earth are you doing do, have you gone mad”
So he tells me he loves me and all that stuff. I mean I don't even know him very well, but it was a nice ring so I says to him. “I tell you what if I give you a blow job can I keep the ring”
He told that the ring was his grandmothers and he felt that it would have been disrespectful to give me the ring from sexual pleasures. Instead he offered me fifty quid to suck him off. I told him to do one and kicked him out of my flat. Cheeky bastard
Posted by Dee Dee Dirtbox
Wednesday 25 July 2007
Monday 23 July 2007
She's got Wheels Chapter Two
Me and Tony got up and went down stairs to see to our sisters request. “Its not even half six Sue, I don't even know if the pool will be open”
“Shut the fuck up you little prick and get me in that car, Tony get the keys, your driving”
“There's no way I'm driving Sue, I've not long gone to bed and that would make me well over the limit and I'm sure you wouldn't be keen getting in a car with a drunk again, would you sis?”
She was pissed and to be far so was my brother but in a different way.
“Right then there's no other choice, Peter your driving”
“But I ain't got a licence Sue! I can't drive... I've never had a lessons”
“You could always drive Sue”
“Don't you take the piss Tony cause I'll fucking...”
Sue started to sob slowly, she opened the door and wheeled herself to the car. Me and Tony looked at each other. “What did you say that for?”
“I was only joking... Fuck it! There shouldn't be anyone on the road... I'll drive slowly come on lets go”
We got Sue in the car... Nothing was said... If the police pulled us up with Tony still pissed from the night before and a raspberry in the back with her swimming costume on at half six in morning I'm sure they wouldn't be to impressed. The car started... Shit... lets go for a swim.
“Shut the fuck up you little prick and get me in that car, Tony get the keys, your driving”
“There's no way I'm driving Sue, I've not long gone to bed and that would make me well over the limit and I'm sure you wouldn't be keen getting in a car with a drunk again, would you sis?”
She was pissed and to be far so was my brother but in a different way.
“Right then there's no other choice, Peter your driving”
“But I ain't got a licence Sue! I can't drive... I've never had a lessons”
“You could always drive Sue”
“Don't you take the piss Tony cause I'll fucking...”
Sue started to sob slowly, she opened the door and wheeled herself to the car. Me and Tony looked at each other. “What did you say that for?”
“I was only joking... Fuck it! There shouldn't be anyone on the road... I'll drive slowly come on lets go”
We got Sue in the car... Nothing was said... If the police pulled us up with Tony still pissed from the night before and a raspberry in the back with her swimming costume on at half six in morning I'm sure they wouldn't be to impressed. The car started... Shit... lets go for a swim.
Tuesday 10 July 2007
Hair
“We've all heard the stories but none of us thought that it would be one of us to go.
It didn't sink in that we could all be plucked out
No one is special
We are all the same
It does not mater if your longer
It does not mater if your are curlier
If your stronger
If your cleaner
If your older, younger or finner, stable bodied and fitter then the rest
You could still go the same way”
Hey June, you alright love
Yeah not bad darling
Is your husband still around
No he was pulled out a long time ago
Really... Blown or brushed?
Brushed... We knew it was coming... I mean he'd had his share of ups and downs
Yeah at least he had a bit of volume not like some of these youngsters
Don't... Last week there was a huge blow and no one was safe... It was crazy we were hanging on by the skin
My longest almost went... If it wasn't for her father telling me how to hold on... She would have been plucked for good
Oh don't... it's so sad when they go at such a long age
Yeah
Yeah
What do think will happen today
Maybe the soft treatment, we haven't had it for a few days
Yeah, that would be nice
How long ago were the big floods?
I don't know two years
What if that happens again?
Don't talk about that so loud. That was a one off. It can't happen again. It would wipe us all out.
Yeah, but what if happened again?
June... Stop it your scare the children
Sorry... I didn't think anyone could hear us
You don't know who's listening.
It didn't sink in that we could all be plucked out
No one is special
We are all the same
It does not mater if your longer
It does not mater if your are curlier
If your stronger
If your cleaner
If your older, younger or finner, stable bodied and fitter then the rest
You could still go the same way”
Hey June, you alright love
Yeah not bad darling
Is your husband still around
No he was pulled out a long time ago
Really... Blown or brushed?
Brushed... We knew it was coming... I mean he'd had his share of ups and downs
Yeah at least he had a bit of volume not like some of these youngsters
Don't... Last week there was a huge blow and no one was safe... It was crazy we were hanging on by the skin
My longest almost went... If it wasn't for her father telling me how to hold on... She would have been plucked for good
Oh don't... it's so sad when they go at such a long age
Yeah
Yeah
What do think will happen today
Maybe the soft treatment, we haven't had it for a few days
Yeah, that would be nice
How long ago were the big floods?
I don't know two years
What if that happens again?
Don't talk about that so loud. That was a one off. It can't happen again. It would wipe us all out.
Yeah, but what if happened again?
June... Stop it your scare the children
Sorry... I didn't think anyone could hear us
You don't know who's listening.
Screenplay
Int: Cafe Two men stand looking up at a board with a menu on
Phil
What did you end up doing last night?
Tom
I just had a few beers after work, I wasn't up for a big one. I've got to much shit to do today
Phil
Oh yeah like what?
Tom
Well... I've got to get my mum a birthday present... It was her birthday yesterday and I've not picked her up anything yet... It's my nephews Christening on Sunday so I've got to pick something up for him... it's my turn to do the sweep stake at work so I need to go to the bookies after this... Our computers run out of paper so I need to buy some A4...I've got to pick my suit up from the cleaners... I need a new pair of shoes... We haven't really got any food in the house so I could do with going to the market... Frank asked me if I could drop round the Cd's I burnt for him the other day...Claire wants me to drop her round her sisters this afternoon...
Phil
What do you want to eat?
Tom
Number 3 tea and toast
Phil
Two Number 3's tea and toast please Sue
Sue
No Problem love I'll bring them over
They walk to a table and sit down
Tom
How about you?
Phil
I probably just go over the road after this and have a pint, I ain't got no plans
Tom
I might join you for one but I can't have anymore I've got to drive...What did you do last night?
Phil
Just got fucked after work we went to this pub and boy there was some pussy in their man
Tom
Really what pub
Phil
I can't remember but it was just round the corner from the White Horse
Tom
Yeah... Did you have any joy?
Phil
Na did I bollocks I was way to smashed
Tom
Is that Carl outside
Phil
Yeah what's he doing here?
Tom
I don't know...Carl over here mate
Carl
Thank fuck I've found you guys. I've been looking everywhere...
Phil
Whats up mate, you don't look too good
Tom
Have you been on it all night son you look fucked
Carl
Well I haven't slept
Phil
Whats going on man... you alright?
Carl
I would have called but I lost my phone
Tom
What did you do leave it in a bar or something
Carl
No...Right now... don't laugh or anything this is serious... I'm really fucking scared man
Phil
Look just calm down...Did some cunt nick your phone
Sue
Two Number Three's
Tom
Yeah here and over there...Carl do you want some food...you should eat something mate
Carl
Na...Na...I'll have a coffee please love
Phil
So start from the top slowly and tell us what happened
Carl
I was abducted by aliens
Phil
Oh fuck off you soppy bastard...
Tom
Your such a cunt Carl...I don't why we bother son...
Carl
I knew you wouldn't believe me... fuck this... if your not gonna help me I'll have to find someone else...
Tom
Carl... Shut the fuck up...Sit down stop being a fucking twat...Now sit down...SIT DOWN
Phil
Carl mate... Come on son stop fucking about
Carl
I'm not fucking about I'm serious and if you two cunts don't believe than I'll go find someone who does..Look I need a drink
Tom
There's a coffee coming
Carl
I mean a proper drink... I don't feel comfortable in here can we go?
Tom
Look... Lets us eat a little something first
Carl
Fuck this...I'm going over the road
Phil
Carl...For fuck sake... Hang on... Come on Tom
Tom
Fuck that I'm Finishing my food I'll see you over there...And I'm going after one I've got far to much shit to do today mate... the best for him is a good night sleep...In a fucking loony bin
Phil
Leave it out... He's obviously taken something... anyway I'm gonna go over...See ya Sue cheers
Sue
Bye love
Int Pub
Carl
I got you a pint Phil
Phil
Cheers mate..
Carl
Where's Tom...
Phil
He's just finishing his food, he'll be over in a minute
Carl
Look mate, I've known you for a long time and you know as well as I do that we've done our fair share of drugs but mate... this was different... this was real
Phil
O.k. Start from the beginning... where was you and what happened
Carl
Aright...
Tom
Sorry lads did you get me a pint... fuck me that breakfast was good...Sorry what were we talking about
Phil
Carl was going to explain what happened last night
Tom
Oh yeah the abduction....Yeah go ahead Carl...
Carl
Right so I was having a few beers
Tom
Oh by the way Roy's gonna meet us in a bit
Phil
Nice... Go on Carl...
Cut
Int House
Dave
Sally... Mum wants to know if you want some breakfast...Sally its getting close to one are you alright mate...
Sally
Yeah tell her I'm not hungry...I'll be down later alright
Dave
O.k.
Mum
Is she alright up there
Dave
Yeah I think so...What time did she get in last night
Mum
How do I know... I was in bed by Eleven
Dave
Good point... well she wasn't here when I got in... I hope she didn't see that prick Sam last night... the sooner she gets him out of her head the better
Mum
She's a big girl she can take care of herself
Dave
Yeah well...If she sees him again and he's fucking said something..
Mum
David... Shut the fuck up...Its none of your business you have to let her get on
Cut to Bedsit
Knocking
Scot
FUCK OFF
Ben
Come and answer the door you lazy slag
Scott
FUCK OFF
Ben
Come on mate... Well look if your not getting up then could you at least give me that money you owe me...I ain't even got enough for a pint
Scott
FUCK OFF
Ben
WANKER!
Scott
what time is it... fucking hell... shit... that was one fucked up night...BEN...BEN...SORRY MATE COME UP
Scott potters around the bedsit scratching his balls
Knocking
Scott
Hello mate you O.K
Ben
Yeah not bad didn't do much last night I ain't got any money
Scott
I'll give you that score I owe you today
Ben
Safe...what you doing today... do you want to come to mine and play on the wii...mate the Godfather game is the fucking best man...
Scott
Do you want a coffee?
Ben
You got anything soft
Scott
I've got a beer
Ben
Yeah that'll do...You know in the film where Al Pacino's Character...
Scott
Micheal
Ben
Yeah Micheal...well you know when he shoots the copper and the other guy in the restaurant..
Scott
Yeah
Ben
Well your the fucker who has to put the gun in the toilet
Scott
No Fucking way..thats sounds wicked
Ben
It is the best...so what did you do last night?
Scott
I can't remember
Ben
Was it that bad...
Scott
Ben mate I really can't remember...I think I'm gonna be sick...
Scott is violently sick in the sink
Ben
Fucking hell mate you need to slow down a bit fella...
Scott
Oh god I don't feel to good man...
Scott sits down on the floor
Ben
Scott what the fuck is that thing on your leg
Scott
I don't know man... shit I don't feel to good mate
Ben
Scott mate you should really get that looked at man... thats not right mate...what the fuck did you do last night
Scott
I CAN'T FUCKING REMEMBER... AAARRRRRHH
Scott screams while on the floor and hold his head
Ben
Scott mate what the fucks going on
Scott
CALL THE FUCKING AMBULANCE...AAARRRHH
Ben
Please stop screaming I don't like it...what's going on...I knew I should of stayed at home
Scott
Ben call me an ambulance..Please Ben...I think I'm dying...
Scott has stopped screaming and is more calm. Ben begins to Scream and cry
Ben
I don't like this anymore... I just want to go home
Scott
Please Ben you need to call me an ambulance
Ben
I HAVE'NT GOT ANY CREDIT!
Scott
ITS FUCKING FREE
Ben
O.K O.K O.K O.K JUST GIVE A SECOND
Scott
I HAVE'NT GOT A FUCKING SECOND
Ben
SORRY ..ITS JUST I'M DOING IT I'M DOING IT I'M DOING IT
Scott began to scream again and hold his head
Ben
Hello...yeah I need an ambulance... flat 4 Essex Road Islington... it's my mate hes got this thing on his leg and he's been sick and he's screaming... I think he's gonna die...well thats what he said anyway...Ok hang on I'll ask him...Scott did you eat anything funny last night?
Scott
I CAN'T FUCKING REMEMBER... AAARRRHHH
Ben
Yeah... he can't remember... I think it would be best if you came down and took a look at him yourself he's not really making any sense to me
Scott
TELL THEM TO HURRY... PLEASE
Ben
Look could you get here as soon as possible
Cut
Phil
What did you end up doing last night?
Tom
I just had a few beers after work, I wasn't up for a big one. I've got to much shit to do today
Phil
Oh yeah like what?
Tom
Well... I've got to get my mum a birthday present... It was her birthday yesterday and I've not picked her up anything yet... It's my nephews Christening on Sunday so I've got to pick something up for him... it's my turn to do the sweep stake at work so I need to go to the bookies after this... Our computers run out of paper so I need to buy some A4...I've got to pick my suit up from the cleaners... I need a new pair of shoes... We haven't really got any food in the house so I could do with going to the market... Frank asked me if I could drop round the Cd's I burnt for him the other day...Claire wants me to drop her round her sisters this afternoon...
Phil
What do you want to eat?
Tom
Number 3 tea and toast
Phil
Two Number 3's tea and toast please Sue
Sue
No Problem love I'll bring them over
They walk to a table and sit down
Tom
How about you?
Phil
I probably just go over the road after this and have a pint, I ain't got no plans
Tom
I might join you for one but I can't have anymore I've got to drive...What did you do last night?
Phil
Just got fucked after work we went to this pub and boy there was some pussy in their man
Tom
Really what pub
Phil
I can't remember but it was just round the corner from the White Horse
Tom
Yeah... Did you have any joy?
Phil
Na did I bollocks I was way to smashed
Tom
Is that Carl outside
Phil
Yeah what's he doing here?
Tom
I don't know...Carl over here mate
Carl
Thank fuck I've found you guys. I've been looking everywhere...
Phil
Whats up mate, you don't look too good
Tom
Have you been on it all night son you look fucked
Carl
Well I haven't slept
Phil
Whats going on man... you alright?
Carl
I would have called but I lost my phone
Tom
What did you do leave it in a bar or something
Carl
No...Right now... don't laugh or anything this is serious... I'm really fucking scared man
Phil
Look just calm down...Did some cunt nick your phone
Sue
Two Number Three's
Tom
Yeah here and over there...Carl do you want some food...you should eat something mate
Carl
Na...Na...I'll have a coffee please love
Phil
So start from the top slowly and tell us what happened
Carl
I was abducted by aliens
Phil
Oh fuck off you soppy bastard...
Tom
Your such a cunt Carl...I don't why we bother son...
Carl
I knew you wouldn't believe me... fuck this... if your not gonna help me I'll have to find someone else...
Tom
Carl... Shut the fuck up...Sit down stop being a fucking twat...Now sit down...SIT DOWN
Phil
Carl mate... Come on son stop fucking about
Carl
I'm not fucking about I'm serious and if you two cunts don't believe than I'll go find someone who does..Look I need a drink
Tom
There's a coffee coming
Carl
I mean a proper drink... I don't feel comfortable in here can we go?
Tom
Look... Lets us eat a little something first
Carl
Fuck this...I'm going over the road
Phil
Carl...For fuck sake... Hang on... Come on Tom
Tom
Fuck that I'm Finishing my food I'll see you over there...And I'm going after one I've got far to much shit to do today mate... the best for him is a good night sleep...In a fucking loony bin
Phil
Leave it out... He's obviously taken something... anyway I'm gonna go over...See ya Sue cheers
Sue
Bye love
Int Pub
Carl
I got you a pint Phil
Phil
Cheers mate..
Carl
Where's Tom...
Phil
He's just finishing his food, he'll be over in a minute
Carl
Look mate, I've known you for a long time and you know as well as I do that we've done our fair share of drugs but mate... this was different... this was real
Phil
O.k. Start from the beginning... where was you and what happened
Carl
Aright...
Tom
Sorry lads did you get me a pint... fuck me that breakfast was good...Sorry what were we talking about
Phil
Carl was going to explain what happened last night
Tom
Oh yeah the abduction....Yeah go ahead Carl...
Carl
Right so I was having a few beers
Tom
Oh by the way Roy's gonna meet us in a bit
Phil
Nice... Go on Carl...
Cut
Int House
Dave
Sally... Mum wants to know if you want some breakfast...Sally its getting close to one are you alright mate...
Sally
Yeah tell her I'm not hungry...I'll be down later alright
Dave
O.k.
Mum
Is she alright up there
Dave
Yeah I think so...What time did she get in last night
Mum
How do I know... I was in bed by Eleven
Dave
Good point... well she wasn't here when I got in... I hope she didn't see that prick Sam last night... the sooner she gets him out of her head the better
Mum
She's a big girl she can take care of herself
Dave
Yeah well...If she sees him again and he's fucking said something..
Mum
David... Shut the fuck up...Its none of your business you have to let her get on
Cut to Bedsit
Knocking
Scot
FUCK OFF
Ben
Come and answer the door you lazy slag
Scott
FUCK OFF
Ben
Come on mate... Well look if your not getting up then could you at least give me that money you owe me...I ain't even got enough for a pint
Scott
FUCK OFF
Ben
WANKER!
Scott
what time is it... fucking hell... shit... that was one fucked up night...BEN...BEN...SORRY MATE COME UP
Scott potters around the bedsit scratching his balls
Knocking
Scott
Hello mate you O.K
Ben
Yeah not bad didn't do much last night I ain't got any money
Scott
I'll give you that score I owe you today
Ben
Safe...what you doing today... do you want to come to mine and play on the wii...mate the Godfather game is the fucking best man...
Scott
Do you want a coffee?
Ben
You got anything soft
Scott
I've got a beer
Ben
Yeah that'll do...You know in the film where Al Pacino's Character...
Scott
Micheal
Ben
Yeah Micheal...well you know when he shoots the copper and the other guy in the restaurant..
Scott
Yeah
Ben
Well your the fucker who has to put the gun in the toilet
Scott
No Fucking way..thats sounds wicked
Ben
It is the best...so what did you do last night?
Scott
I can't remember
Ben
Was it that bad...
Scott
Ben mate I really can't remember...I think I'm gonna be sick...
Scott is violently sick in the sink
Ben
Fucking hell mate you need to slow down a bit fella...
Scott
Oh god I don't feel to good man...
Scott sits down on the floor
Ben
Scott what the fuck is that thing on your leg
Scott
I don't know man... shit I don't feel to good mate
Ben
Scott mate you should really get that looked at man... thats not right mate...what the fuck did you do last night
Scott
I CAN'T FUCKING REMEMBER... AAARRRRRHH
Scott screams while on the floor and hold his head
Ben
Scott mate what the fucks going on
Scott
CALL THE FUCKING AMBULANCE...AAARRRHH
Ben
Please stop screaming I don't like it...what's going on...I knew I should of stayed at home
Scott
Ben call me an ambulance..Please Ben...I think I'm dying...
Scott has stopped screaming and is more calm. Ben begins to Scream and cry
Ben
I don't like this anymore... I just want to go home
Scott
Please Ben you need to call me an ambulance
Ben
I HAVE'NT GOT ANY CREDIT!
Scott
ITS FUCKING FREE
Ben
O.K O.K O.K O.K JUST GIVE A SECOND
Scott
I HAVE'NT GOT A FUCKING SECOND
Ben
SORRY ..ITS JUST I'M DOING IT I'M DOING IT I'M DOING IT
Scott began to scream again and hold his head
Ben
Hello...yeah I need an ambulance... flat 4 Essex Road Islington... it's my mate hes got this thing on his leg and he's been sick and he's screaming... I think he's gonna die...well thats what he said anyway...Ok hang on I'll ask him...Scott did you eat anything funny last night?
Scott
I CAN'T FUCKING REMEMBER... AAARRRHHH
Ben
Yeah... he can't remember... I think it would be best if you came down and took a look at him yourself he's not really making any sense to me
Scott
TELL THEM TO HURRY... PLEASE
Ben
Look could you get here as soon as possible
Cut
Sunday 8 July 2007
Smoking
"I'm smoking alright, I haven't smoked for a week but I'm gonna smoke today, just today... Now and let me smoke and leave me alone"
Grace liked to smoke but she was alone. The people from her village where funny about a few things and one of them was smoking. On her own planet it was normal to smoke but Grace had not been home for a long time. She had bigger feet and stronger thighs then most and in strange way she was strange and she was bright and beautiful with great tits and amazing eyes which lights a room and a room. The man was wrong about the way she smoked her fags outside. If only they knew how she could ride.
"I'll smoke today and be O.K. Let me have my say you dirty gay, I'll smoke today cos that's my way... In the night in the night"
Grace came far to be with them and never wanted to let them in. In a shop where we all worked she showed us all her big fat cock. What can we do? How many people feel blue? In a life without smoke and cigarettes too
Grace we miss you
Why did you go to that other place, you are bright and beautiful with great tits.
Can we smoke now please?
Grace liked to smoke but she was alone. The people from her village where funny about a few things and one of them was smoking. On her own planet it was normal to smoke but Grace had not been home for a long time. She had bigger feet and stronger thighs then most and in strange way she was strange and she was bright and beautiful with great tits and amazing eyes which lights a room and a room. The man was wrong about the way she smoked her fags outside. If only they knew how she could ride.
"I'll smoke today and be O.K. Let me have my say you dirty gay, I'll smoke today cos that's my way... In the night in the night"
Grace came far to be with them and never wanted to let them in. In a shop where we all worked she showed us all her big fat cock. What can we do? How many people feel blue? In a life without smoke and cigarettes too
Grace we miss you
Why did you go to that other place, you are bright and beautiful with great tits.
Can we smoke now please?
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