Woody At Work Part One

“Afternoon”
“What time do you call this?”
“Fuck off, what time did you get here this morning”
“I was here on time actually”
“Well that’s a first init, you knob”

“Hello Chef, how’s it going alright?”
“Yes h…h…how is you”
“Good mate, but I’m a bit hungry you couldn’t do us a bacon sarnie mate”
“O.K O.K O.K O.K… you make one coffee for me”
“Yeah… no problem”

“Yes Will, how’s it going my brother?”
“Hey brother, where have you been?”
“I had a couple of days off, but I’ve got to work the fucking weekend, Do a coffee for Chef would ya”
“No problem my brother”
Fuck I wonder if I’ve got a clean T-shirt in the cloakroom. Shit I need some water, right I’m gonna drink water all day, maybe I should have a tea with honey in it…

“So what did you do last night?”
“Oh…hello Knob, how are you? Nice that you learnt how to say morning”
“It’s the Afternoon you mug”
“Fuck off”
“What did you and Weeman do yesterday, you were fucked when I came home and that was about seven”
“Did you see us yesterday?”
“Yeah I came home for an hour before I went to my girlfriends house, you two were fucked”
“Mate we must of drunk four bottles of wine each and a couple of pints, we were mashed guy. I don’t even remember seeing you”
“When I came in you two were dancing round the flat singing Sinatra tracks, as soon as I came in you started to try and lick my face”
Oh yeah
“Yeah, I remember that now, shit sorry Knob, were we being dicks”
“Na you were alright. It was funny. I just wish I could have been there with ya”

“Look, table Fourteen, it’s alright I’ll go”

“Hello, what can I get you?”
Core… this bird’s got a great pair of melons
“Can we get two coffee’s please?”
“What kind of coffee would you like?”
“Oh…. Darling what would you like?”
“I’ll just have it black and strong”
Just how you like your men, you faggot!
“And you Madam what would you like”
Apart from a good seeing too in the bum
“I’ll have a latté and can we smoke here?”
“No, just at the bar”
“Oh fine”
“Cheers”
“Will, do us a black filter and a latté for fourteen”
“Yes my brother”

“Hey Fred, What you saying?”
“Hey man, I’m cool, dude, how are you?”
“I’m good mate, have a look at the bird on fourteen she’s got great boob’s”
“O.K I think I will”
Right let me put these coffees through the till, table 14, one latté, and one filter. Cool.

“Hey Chef, is that my sandwich”
“Yes”
“Cheers Chef”
“Knob, can I just eat this sarnie before we start getting rammed”
“Yeah, hurry up though mate you’ve come in late and now your sitting on your arse; if the old man comes in he’ll go mad”
“Yeah… Yeah… Yeah…, do one. Will, can you do me a coffee please mate and pass my water”
“Anything else brother, do you want a foot massage as well”
“Maybe later”
Just make the coffee you cunt. Fuck me I'm not sure if this hangovers gonna get worse, I feel like shit, maybe I’ll have a beer in a bit just to take the edge off. This sandwich is all right init.
“Cheers Chef, this is alright this”
“You welcome”
“Here you go my brother one coffee”
“Cheers Will, you da mother fucking man”
“That’s O.K, what did you do yesterday?”
“Me and Weeman got twisted, I was still pissed about ten minutes ago I think I’m starting to sober up”
“Have a beer brother, it’ll help”
“Na, fuck that… Maybe in an hour”

Right I better go and put a top on
“Are you gonna get changed or what”
“Yeah I’m going”
Fucking hell, if he’s gonna piss me off all day, I’ll fuck off home.

Man that one stinks, how about this one, this ain’t too bad. Yeah man this will do it’s a bit smelly but it’s alright
“Freddy does this top smell?”
“No it’s cool man, you smell beautiful darling”
“Thanks love”
“Hey that girl you said about is hot man”
“Yeah she’s alright her boyfriends a bit of a prick. He’s been in a few times”
“She has got amazing boobs”
“Yeah man, they rock”

Right I’m gonna do some work. Where did I put that water?
“Knob, is it just the four of us today”
“Yeah Candy phoned in sick”
“Are we opening outside?”
“Yeah I was just setting it up”
“Look man, it said on the news it’s gonna rain, and there’s only four of us, I feel like shit. Why don’t we leave it closed ay?”
“I don’t know…”
“Come on don’t be a gay lord, its cold anyway no one will want to sit out there…”
“Alright but if the old man comes in then I’ll tell him you said it was gonna rain”
“No worries I’ll take all the shit. Wicked. You’re not such a Knob after all”
“Piss off and do some work, you bum”
“What ever you say boss”
Sweet, what a touch there’s know way I fancied going outside, fuck that

“Woody the door”
“Yeah I’ve got it”
Here we go
“Do you have a table for two”
“Have you booked?”
“Oh no… I didn’t know we had too… is there room in your garden”
You haven’t even fucking booked and you wanna go outside, it’s gonna be one of those fucking days
“No the gardens closed sorry. Right, I’ve got this table here”
“Oh no… its very close to the door is there anything else a little further away”
“No… they’re all reserved I’m afraid”
“Well we’re not going to be long”
If your not going to be long then why the fuck do you care where you fucking sit
“Hang on a second…Alright if your not gonna be long then you can sit over there but I’m gonna need the table back in about forty five minutes”
“Oh that’s fine we have to go back to work”
Go on; fuck off
“Here you are, these are our specials”
“Thank you”

“Hi, can we order, we haven’t got very long”
“Yeah sure, what would you like?”
“What’s the Pasta today”
Bollocks, I ain’t got a clue, what was it the other day Err….
“Erm…Spinach and Ricotta Ravioli with a mushroom cream sauce”
“Oh…that sounds nice, I love mushrooms”
Shit… please chose something different
“What about the Risotto”
Fucking hell, just say something they won’t like erm…
“Pumpkin”
“Oh… well it’s either the Pasta or the Fish Cakes”
“FISH CAKES. Sorry the fish cakes are really good”
“Oh… O.k.… I’ll have the fish cakes. What are you going to have darling?”
“Well it’s either the Pasta…
Why did they have to like mushrooms?
…Or the burger”
“The burger is really nice”
“Do you have something against the pasta?”
“I don’t really like mushrooms, but the burger is always a winner”
“O.k. Sold”
“How would you like it cooked”
“Medium”
“What would you like to drink?”
“Your friend is took our order…”
“O.k., look they’re coming now, cheers”
“Thank you”
“Hey Knob, what’s the pasta?
“Erm…Spinach and Ricotta Ravioli with a…mushroom cream sauce…?”
“Did you make that up?”
“Yeah I ain’t got a clue”
“That’s fucking mad, that’s what I said to table two”
“Is it, we rock,”
“Chef what’s the Pasta”
“Er…Spinach and Ricotta Ravioli…
Don’t fuck about
…With a Sun Blush Tomato cream sauce”
Fuck me we were close
“Shit Knob, we were well close”

Oh… fuck I think my phones ringing
“Hello”
“Alright mate, what you up to later”
“I don’t know I’ll probably have a few beers where you gonna be?”
“Soho I’m having a few with some of the boy’s after work”
“Alright I’m working now I’ll call when I’m done”
“Later”
“In a bit”

“The door”
“Hi, how you doing, have you got a reservation?”
“Yes, table for six in the name of Simon”
“Yeah we have a table at the back for you”
“Very nice”
“Here’s the specials board”
“What’s the pasta of the day…?”

Harry the Horse

Harry the horse was eating hay
Hanging out in his stable
He had a big race today
That everyone thought he could win
But someone thought he would lose
They decided his fate was not in his hoofs
And took him to another place
Where there were lights and people
And cameras and a set
With all sorts of objects
There were pretty girls who stroked him
Not like the jockeys that had rode him many times before
These girls were gentle and loving
Harry was enjoying the affection
One of the ladies started to stroke him in a place that had never been stroked before
“ACTION” a man called so loud
Then this woman, he had never met put her lips on his horse hood
He felt out of breath and scared
His legs started to kick and he moved backward
“CUUUTT. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS HORSE DOING”
“Oh for fuck sake I’m not going to suck this stupid horse off if he doesn’t like it. I’ve sucked off a thousand horses and they all have a good time what’s wrong with this fucker”
Harry didn’t like sluts sucking him off.
He was a gentle horse who believed in love
Why have my trainers taken me here? I'm a good racer
It turned out Harry the horse was dying
The only way to make any money out of him was to sell him to a porn company
Harry never raced again and his cock was sucked black and blue
But you know what, secretly, I think he liked it

The 250

“Jane are you awake”
“Yes Bill, are you ok what’s the matter”
“Oh nothing… I was just seeing if you were up. I think it may get busy soon it’s coming up to half eleven and the pubs will be kicking out”
“Yes your right Bill maybe we should wake up some of the others, I’m sure they don’t want the same kind of nasty shock poor Jenny had yesterday when that horribly smelly fat man sat on her last night”
“I heard that”
“Oh…Hello Jenny”
“Hi Bill… Why on earth didn’t anyone warn me? I was having a beautiful dream and all of a sudden BANG! He smelt so bad; it was like he poured beer all over his body”
“How much do you think he weighed?”
“Oh he must have been close to Seventeen stone I mean the man was a beast, and the poor girl who sat down on David, she must of wished she’d went up stairs”
“Oh come on Jane, a young lady can’t sit up stairs it’s to dangerous, who’ve heard some of the stories from the boys up there it’s crazy, you know we should all count our lucky stars we’re down here”
“Good evening girls, you two gossiping again”
“Hi Mr Honfire, we were just chatting, did you have a nice sleep”
“Yes I did girls, and now I’m ready for action, how are you Bill”
“I good Mr Honfire, you know another day and all that”
“What on earth was that lady talking about this afternoon on her mobile phone she was making one hell of a racket”
“Oh I didn’t have any ladies on me this afternoon I think that was Steve, she was making all sorts of noise”
“Please, Please lets not talk about it, she drove me insane”
“Hi Steve”
“Hey Steve, did you sleep well”
“Yeah thanks Jane I did”
“So what no earth was she talking about”
“She was from Poland and I think she might have had a job interview for a bar job in Crystal Palace but the stupid bitch had got on the wrong fucking bus stop”
“No way”
“Yeah, sorry about my language Mr Honfire but you heard her she was a right twat”
“That’s O.K carry on”
“Right she got on in Brixton and was alright, I didn’t mind her, she smelt lovely and she didn’t weigh a lot so it was quite nice but then she started getting itchy and moving round loads”
“I hate it when they do that”
“Yeah so do I “
“ Me too”
“What are you guys talking about?”
“Oh some Polish bird Steve had sitting him on today”
“So then the phone comes out and she starts screaming down it, and all I could understand was, Sorry Mr Honfire, ‘where the fuck is Crystal Palace and where fuck I am going, I never get Job now you told me get on this bus it’s wrong one, the next time I see you your gonna pay’, she was very angry. I think she got up and asked the driver and got off at the common.”
“She was mad”
“Look…there’s a big queue outside KFC, is everyone up, its gonna be a busy night”

www.sillybirdsbitching.blogspot.com

I think I’m fat, well my tits sag and I’ve got a big bum.

I’m a size twelve but most of my friends are a size ten

One girl, not my best friend, I mean she’s ok; she used to sit next to me in science. She’s a size six but she’s always smoking so she doesn’t eat too much. My best friend Joe fucked this guy the other day and she said he was fat but he didn’t look it until he took his top off then his gut fell out.

But she’s a slut, she’s slept with like fourteen guys where I’ve only slept with nine and one of them I was in love with his name was Phil he was funny and smart and really good looking with a massive cock.

I think he was half French and half Irish he was amazing, he left me for another women but I don’t care because he was the best.

I don’t think I’ll never have a man like that again.

By the way when I was with him I was a size ten and my tits were perfect.

God I miss you Phil.

The other day I went to TopShop to buy some Kate Moss clothes but it was all shit so I had a fight we an Asian girl that kissed her teeth at me when I accidentally stepped on her feet. She was a right bitch if I see her again I’ll break her nose fat slag, yeah and she was fat.

I think I’ll go to the Cinema tonight with Darren, if he pays for me to get in I might give him a hand job

Posted by Donna DirtBox

Goodnight Sam Chapter Five

It was dark and cold and about to rain
It smelt terrible; the feeling in the camp was that of uncertainty
Confidence was low and people were scared
Charlie knew we were going the right way
He said from the start
“If we followed the second star from the left, closet to the moon then maybe we will reach our destination”
Some of the people thought he was crazy
But I trusted him; he was always accurate when it came to things like this
This day was unusual
There was so many of us it was astonishing
The amount of people following this mission
It was like nothing I had ever seen before
Not only us but there were all sorts of division’s
From many union’s walking in the same direction
On a normal day fighting would have broke out
The governing body would never let us walk shoulder to shoulder
There must have been something they didn’t want us to know
The only person close to us who knew what was going on was Charlie
We trusted him and let him led the way
The rain came down hard and the smell got worse but we carried on.

Some Geezer’s Gay Wedding

He looks nervous, uncomfortable, doesn’t really see anyone he knows, just new strange faces. He begins to speak.

“I’d like to start by thanking everyone for coming, especially one person of course, Greg.
I know this probably isn’t the wedding everyone was expecting.
Particularly me, as most of you are aware, I was straight two months ago and about to marry my long term girlfriend Jane.
Jane's my best friend Paul's sister.
He was originally going to be my best man but with the circumstances.
He did say he was gonna come today but i think he had work commitments.
I think he had to go in tomorrow morning at twelve and didn’t fancy a late one.
I spoke to my mum who could’ve made it but she assured me that the traffic getting here was going to be real bad.
She turned back after she got out of our street.
My godmother was on her way, but sadly her dog died this morning, so as you can all imagine she’s heart broken.
All my uncles were very fond of Rover too, so when they heard this, they flocked to her house. “There were so many tears” one of them told me, “there’s no way they could leave the house, it’s like a fucking waterfall in here, good job two of us are plumbers.”
I would just like to have a moment to remember Rover the dog…
My three sisters can’t be here, because they had already booked a holiday to Spain and as its peak season, they couldn’t get their money back on a cancellation.
But they did say to mention them in the speech and hoped everything goes well.
So, thanks girls, I’ll have a drink on you!
My boss at work had a serious stroke yesterday afternoon and is also unable to attend.
The next door neighbours that I spoke about so fondly, have moved out.
I'm not sure where they have gone, it was all a bit sudden.
I like to thank Mick and Jim for organising this event so quickly, it’s happened so fast, I haven’t had time to think.
I’m sure your gonna be great parents, guys, I… err look… err forward to having...a long
Sorry, what the fuck am I doing here?
Who the fuck are you people?
What am I doing with my life?”

He runs fast, doesn’t stop till he is outside, lights a cigarette and walks down the High Street until he finds the nearest pub.

She's Got Wheels Chapter One

I was in bed at the time. It was early. About six in the morning. She didn’t talk much any more. However, this one day she shouted up to me and Tony’s room and said “LAD’S I’M FUCKED IF I’M GONNA SIT ON MY ARSE AND DO NOTHING ALL DAY AND NIGHT, I’LL END UP KILLING SOMEONE. I’M GOING FOR A SWIM AND YOU TWO PRICK ARE GONNA TAKE ME!”
Now we love our sister, she’s the best, but two years ago she suffered from a serious injury, which left her in a wheelchair possibly for the rest of life. As soon as we heard this request from our big sister we thought it was a joke.
“Yeah good idea, why don’t you fly to the moon at the same time you spastic”
“FUCK OFF YOU CHEEKY LITTLE CUNT. NOW TAKE ME SWIMMING OR I'LL KICK THE SHIT OUT THE PAIR OF YA”
Our sister used to be the toughest girl in school and though now she couldn’t walk, we were still scared shitless of her.
“O.k. but its really early so why don’t you go back to bed and we’ll take you later”
“FUCK LATER I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT AND I WANT TO GO NOW!”
“Tony tell her, you’re older than me, tell to go back to sleep, we’ll take her later, she’s driving me mad”
I was the youngest and never really had any say in what went on in our house.
“ I’m not taking that miserable bitch swimming, she’ll scare all the kids with her fucked up legs”
“Don’t be such a horrible cunt, she’s not that bad”
“If she ain’t that bad then why the fuck don’t she let us sleep a bit longer. I only went to bed an hour ago!”
“IF YOU WASN’T OUT TAKING DRUGS ALL NIGHT, THEN MAYBE YOU’D BE ABLE TO GET UP AND TAKE YOUR CRIPPLED SISTER SWIMMING”
“How the fuck she hear that, when she mashed up her leg’s she must of gained supersonic hearing”
“YES I DID YOU LITTLE SHIT, NOW GET READY BEFORE I COME UP THERE AND GIVE THE BOTH OF YOU A HIDING”
“Yeah whatever sis, what you gonna do float up here?
“I HEARD THAT”
“SORRY”

The Cocksucker

I sat in a bar on the lower east side
I like this place; there are always a few bums in here
They had never seen the world
But they looked like they’d been dragged all the way round it
I came to this saloon quite a lot
It wasn’t very near my apartment but I enjoyed the walk
It was about six blocks and it helped me clear the hangover
Most of the time I sat on the same stool
I always drink whiskey with a bit of ginger
And the coldest beer in the house
The girl who works behind the bar is a pretty little thing
She has a great rack of lambs and an exceptional highnie
I’d already smoked four cigarettes and it didn’t feel like I’d been here long
I had a pack and a half left
I figured I oughta slow down if I was gonna last the whole day
I was minding my own business when this guy showed up
I think at the time I was daydream
I was imagining what I would do with that piece of ass behind the bar
All I needed was twenty seconds only with that cunt
So this dip-shit he sits next to me
Out of every fucking seat in the whole place this cocksucker decides to sit next to me
Not only does he sit by me. But he starts to talk
He’s not just making bullshit conversation.
I mean he’s telling me stuff
He starts tell me shit, I don’t need to know
Something about how he thinks his wife is seeing another fella
How when she comes home late at night
He can smell another mans cock on her mouth
I mean this kind of shit, its none of my business
If I was this pricks wife
I would probably be sucking all the cocks in the city just to get away from this guy
What a stupid fucking son of a bitch.
This piece of shit sits next to me when I’m clocking pussy
I would have told him to go fuck his mother and leave me alone
But he keeps buying drinks
This was when I thought maybe this crazy fuck’s a fag
“Hey you ain’t a queer are ya”
“Get the fuck outta here”
So he continues to tell me about his shithole life
How he’s got two kids that don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves
He's hardly got any family who give a fuck
Just a low life bum for a brother
Who sits in the same bar everyday
Living off the money there dead mother left them in her will
This prick, he didn’t shut the fuck up
All I could think about was taking the bar maid out the back
Ripping her work pants off
Then slowing edging her panties down her thighs with my two thumbs
Just as I’m getting to the good bit
I realise I'm getting a hard on and this guy’s still talking to me
I had to think of something else
Then right out of the blue he told me he had to go
Thank the good fucking lord for that
He said he was driving and had to pick his kids up from school
Woopie fucking do for you. Just get the fuck outta here, cocksucker
Then the man left
Before he left he bought me a beer
I only had half a pack of cigarettes left
I knew I’d have to slow down if I was gonna drink in here all night
I finished the beer he bought and got a colder one
The girl behind the bar started to walk toward me
I thought, Jesus Christ, maybe this could be my lucky fucking day
She had something in her hand
It was the bars telephone
I was thinking who the fucks calling me here
She told me my brother was on the phone
Fuck. I was supposed to meet that son of a bitch today
“Hey bro what’s happening”
“Did I leave my wallet on the bar. I can’t find the fucking thing anywhere”