Terry & Terri, Terri & Terry & Terry & Terry

“Can I get a pint of Carling please... Cheers”
“Thats Two Ninety please”
“Thanks”

It was Thursday night and Terry had not been out with a women for just over two years. He was nervous and not quite sure how the night would pan out. His brother-in-law had set him up with a date vier the Internet and although Terry was reluctant at first, second and third he agreed to go, it turned out that they had one thing particular in common...They both shared the same name.
Terrance was a fairly tall man just under six foot, with an average build. He would have been a lot larger but went jogging on a regular basis and ate healthy foods, he didn't drink to excess and hated smoking. To be honest he was a complete twat. I mean he was a nice guy but he didn't really have anything going for him in the personality department. At one point there was a women he was involved with but she finished with him after Terry started to under perform in bed and she got the arse and fucked off with a younger guy, who could stimulate her sexually. Actually thats a lie... She was a slapper and he found out that she was sleeping with half the office while they were together, this devastated him and he stopped talking to the others guys at work, he trusted no-one. She did end up with a younger fella though, so its wasn't really that much of a lie. Terry worked for a Travel Insurance company in Croydon, dealing with the travel claims. He'd been working there for twenty years and was going to celebrate his Thirty Eighth birthday in a couple of months. His brother-in-law is possibly the biggest cunt on the face of the earth, he is such a wanker it makes me mad just thinking about him, let alone writing about him. Fucking wanker, knob cunt face, wanker. Sorry lets get back to the date. By the way his wife, Terry's sister, is ugly and smelly and rather large...Sorry I just don't like them.

The date was at Seven Thirty and it was already pushing close to Eight. Terry was going to leave but he decided to have one more beer. if she didn't arrive by the time he finished he would be gone

“Can I get a pint of Carling please... Cheers”
“Thats Two Ninety please”
“Thanks”

As he took his drink from the bar he noticed a lady walking into the pub. He took a deep breath, put his pint on the bar and approached her.
“Hi... you must be Terri?”
“Yeah, that would make you Terry too”
“Yes... or Terry one, I was hear first, ha-ha”
“Yes I'm sorry I'm late, I got a bit lost....”
“Oh no it's fine. I wasn't saying it because of that... would you like drink?”
“Yes I'll have a glass of...I don't know the house red”
“No problem...Can I get a glass of red wine...Cheers”
“What one would you like?”
“Just the house”
“Which house would you like?”
“Really don't mind... erm....What red would you like”
“I Don't mind, which one's do they have”
“I don't know, let me ask...Which ones do you have?”
“Merlot... Shiraz... Gamey”
“What do you think?”
“Anyone is good for me”
“Yeah, the first one please”
“Large or small”
“Large or small”
“Small”
“You can have large”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, please have a large glass”
“O.K... A large one please”
“Thats four pound”
“Thank you. Do you take card?”
“Only for transactions over ten pounds”
“Oh... So maybe I should get something else...Would you like some crisps?”
“I don't know what flavors do they have?”
“I don't know what flavors do you have?”
“Cheese and onion, ready salted...

It's as bad for me writing this shit as it is for you reading it, but this is how it happened.

“Why don't you just run a tab?”
“I can do that?”
“Yes, you can”
“O.k. Thats sounds good”
“Good... I need your card sir”
“O.k Here you are”

The bar maid was in a bad mood, she had just found out that her boyfriend had been attacked and was outside her house with no way to get in, he had been badly beaten and needed medical attention, he was afraid to call an ambulance. You see, they would take him to Mayday and he was scarred that his attachers might be there waiting for him. Terri was at work alone and unable to get some one to come and cover her.

“So your name's the same as mine”
“Yes”
“I've never been out with some one who has the same name as me, it's really exciting”
“Yeah they say that partners who both have the same name have a fifty percent chance of staying together”
“Really where did you read that?”
“Some at work told me”
“Yeah, and where do you work?”
“In Croydon”
“Yeah, so do I”
“I didn't know that, all I knew was, we shared the same name”
“Yes thats what I thought”
“What do you?”
“I work for a Travel Insurance company”
“No way, so do I”
“Your kidding...you must be joking how strange”
“Do you deal with claims?”
“Yeah, I been there for quite a few years actually”
“Tell me about it so have I”

It was Thursday night and Terri had not been with a man for just over two years. She was nervous and not quite sure how the night would pan out. Her Sister-in-law had set her up with a date vier the Internet and although Terri was reluctant at first, second and third he agreed to go, it turned out that they had one thing particular in common...They both shared the same name...

“Look...Baby I can't just leave work...I know...Why don't you call an ambulance...Sorry baby please don't shout...Well your just have to come here...No he's off, it's just me...Yeah there's about four or five people here...Yeah...Hold on I have a customer just come here...I love you to, see you soon...Yes please what can I get ya?”

“Can I get a pint of Carling, please and a glass of red”
“Which one would you like?”
“The same as before and put it on my tab”
“Alright...Here you go”
“Cheers”

Terry brought the drinks back to the table. Everything seemed to be going well. Terry and Terri were getting on like a house on fire and he thought his luck was about to change one the female front.

“This is a nice place”
“Yeah my office is in South Croydon, so when I do go out for a drink I go out down there”
“Yeah its kind of the same for me, but I work in East Croydon”
“Wow we have so much in common”
“Yeah...It is nice in here I don't think I've ever had a drink in West Croydon before”
“No, I think it makes a nice change”
“So, whats your favorite colour?”
“Blue, yours?”
“The same”
“Wow”

It was getting closer to twelve and the pub would be shutting soon. They were both enjoying themselves and even spoke about the next time they could meet. They were so amazed that they had so many things in common. They both were very quiet at work but here tonight they felt they could really open up and talk to each other. It may have been the first time they had met but they felt a strong attraction towards one another, this could possible have been love at first sight, if you believe in that shit.

“Hey baby... Oh my good what have they done to you?”
“It's not that bad I'll survive...look I'm going to the toilet to clean up a bit when you closing the bar”
“Well...In about ten minutes we only have these two left”
“Can't you tell them to leave”
“Look they'll go in a minute, get your self cleaned up”
“Alright... I love you baby”
“I love you...
...Right last orders please”

“Oh, shall we have one more”
“Yes, let me get it”
“No I'll get it, please”
“God we're the only ones in here”
“Thats Alright we'll one more...
...Same again please”
“Yeah sure...
...Sorry lads we're closed”
“Yeah I know you are. Now... Where the Fuck is Terry”
“He's not here”
“I'm Terry”
“What mate!”
“I said my names Terry, I don't think we called for a cab, Terri did we call a cab”
“Are both your name's Terry thats strange me and my boyfriend are called Terry as well”
“Really...”
“WELL ISN'T THAT FUCKING LOVELY. MY NAME'S TERRY AND SO IS MY FRIEND HERE”
“Wow thats amazing...”
“SHUT UP, YOU STUID BASTARD! NOW I'M NOT GONNA ASK AGAIN WHERE THE FUCK IS TERRY”
“I'm here”
“Hello mate...Now why did you run away from us early?”
“YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE”
“TERRI NO...”

Terri jumped from behind the bar with a chopping knife and ran toward Terry (the bad one). He grabbed the knife off her and held it to her neck. He pressed the knife into her throat. She screamed he pushed the instrument through her throat and bad towards her neck, dropping her to the floor , she laid there, bleeding. The other Terry's could not believe what had just happened. There was silence, such a quiet sound that no-one could hear the air or sound or noise just silence. Terry dropped to his knees and cried.

“Terry that the fuck are you doing”
“Shut the fuck up I know what I'm doing...Terry get up... Get up fucking pussy

Terry had just lost the women he loved and was sobbing uncontrollably. Terry and Terri sat in fear for there lives. They held each other tight and closed there eyes. They felt love, fearful love but love none the less, it felt amazing. They had never felt such an incredible feeling before, they cried

“What the fuck we gonna now... We did not come here to kill fucking strangers just him... You fucking idiot... Give me the knife... Terry...Terry...Give me that fucking knife...
“I know what I'm doing man”
“Get the fuck out of here I'll deal with you later”

Terry left the pub with blood on his hands.
Terry left the pub with blood on his hands
The other Terry's stayed
The other Terri's stayed
Terry's bother-in-law is a wanker
Terri's sister-in -law is a cunt
Don't go drinking in West Croydon

Fartman Chapter 12

Simon sat alone in his flat and let out an unbearable sound from his over sized cheeks, which seemed to resemble a very loud bagpipe player. Playing a tune from a sitcom, which was so poor that it only aired for one episode on BBC 4. He had been sat there for day’s listening to his own terribly unlucky wind orchestra, playing a variety of songs from horrible shows, which he may have accidentally heard on many drunken nights in front of the television. Simon was so depressed and lonely and tired and farting and ugly and smelly that he contemplating his own demise. Simon had not stopped farting for twelve years. After everything that had just happened with Cosmo, Simon was in a smelly place filled only with his own wind and brutal aroma. Cosmo was gone for good and Simon felt that he could never enter into a relationship again. He knew that the only way to get over this incredible dejection was to hit the drugs harder then he or she ever fought could be possible.

Jive Ass Mother

“STOP THAT MAN, HE STOLEN MY BADGER”
“GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY OR THE BADGER GETS IT”
The biggest problem that faced young Leroy was the fact that the stupid bollox had stolen a badger and not a hand bag
“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY”
He ran for a few more yards and found a small ally way where him and his new goods could rest
“WHAT THE FUCK MAN… I’VE REALLY FUCKED UP… I’VE STOLLEN A FUCKING BADGER… WHY THE FUCK DID I STOP SELLING THE WEED MAN… DIS IS DONE FUCKED MAN”
He sat down in a puddle and waited, he waited and cried and the badger looked and the boy screamed and then there was silence.
“Hey man, don’t shout so loud... you probably just save my life, that fat ugly chick was taking me to ‘The Kitchen’. She was gonna make a mean badger soup out of my sweet furry ass”
“AAARRRRRR… WHAT THE FUCK… HOW THE FUCK…YOU CAN’T…I MUST BE... FUCKED…”
“Hey man shut the fuck up. What you getting so Jazzy about. You the dumb motherfucker who did done just stole my ass... why you getting so Jive Jack”
“AAAARRRRRRRRR…..WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON… MAN, SOMEONE MUST HAVE PUT SOME SHIT IN MY SHIT AND SHIT”
The boy was confused he had just robbed a Jive ass talking badger who knew a whole lot about the world.
“Hey you small time pecker wood candy ass bitch, shut yourself up and get with the god dam programme. The pretty dam ugly fat white women who you just robbed is gonna be looking for me, my ass tastes like sweet cherry pie ice cream and that bitch is hungry!
Now we do have to get the fuck out of here. Because if they find you they’ll take you to ‘The Kitchen’ and I would not like to say what kind of soup they’d make out your black ass…"
“ALRIGHT ALRIGHT…just give me a second… I’m…not …sure… what… to…"
“Pick me up and run you stupid cock eyed son of a bitch, before I stick my furry tail right up inside your skinny ass!!”